There Ain't No Free Lunch

Ponder about

2011-10-13T09:49:00.000-04:00

2011-10-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

Donald Miller's New Book

2011-03-07T08:32:00.001-05:00

If you don't know anything about me...the first thing you should know is I heart Donald Miller. His words and ideas resonate in my head and always seem to give me a new idea or new perspective of how to put this crazy thing called life in new ideas...So, you should check out his new book! I sure plan on it!

Check it out on Barnes and Noble's Website!
Million Miles

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

Tupac

2010-11-08T12:41:00.001-05:00

Anyone who really knows me can tell you that perhaps I had/have an unbridled love for Tupac. I loved his music as a teenager and I love it now as an adult. There was something in it that made me connect... not feel so alone. One of my favorite song was "Changes". I'm pretty sure that's what my vacation was for...to take a minute to figure out the changes that I need to make in my own life. So far it's worked out pretty good. By pretty good I mean possibly the best decision I've ever made. This life seems to be about onesmall change after another. So when your surrounded by good people, people you love those changes come easier...they don't lose their fear but the fear and worry seems to find a backseat against the grace you find within friends, yourself, and God. I'm slowly beginning to realize that those things are all that matters...and I'm more than ok with that. For the first time I'm in a long time i'm happy. Happy about the changes...happy about where I am in this life. I didn't however see being so exhausted from being happy. Even still, I'm ok with that.

Urgent Care and Sunrises

2010-11-02T09:11:00.001-04:00

I’m on vacation. You have no idea how overjoyed, relaxed, happy I am to actually say the words, “I’m on vacation.” Although, I have to admit it’s gone slightly overboard. But there are rules to follow and you have to follow the rules. For example, you want me to be somewhere on time and make up a day planned full of events…”Nope, I’m on vacation.” You want me to act responsibly and not make a fool of myself, “Nope, I’m on vacation.” …bottom line, I’m on vacation. And so far, aside from all the memorable family vacations you take while growing up…this is the best one yet.

Whoever’s idea it was to “forsake” the traditional vacations in the summertime have lost their mind. It’s November and I’m in Daytona Beach and I could ask for a better group of friends to have gone with. 4 girls, 1 car, and all the adventures we’re willing to make out of it.

The 9 hour ride was interesting…long, tiring, exciting, bursting with Christmas morning energy just to see a “Welcome to Florida” sign and when we got here…you’d have thought it was only down the road a couple blocks. We were pumped. I would have taken pictures but we drove through the night and when you rely on a cell phone that doesn’t have a flash…those night-time pictures come out, well..black. And black just doesn’t capture what was happening inside that vehicle.

At 5AM, when it’s still dark..we arrived. It wasn’t just any arrival…it was a great big community sigh of exhaustion, excitement, comfort..excitability. We were on vacation. Keeping up for tradition in my life…when arriving at the beach, immediately, I had to see the ocean. I was able to contain myself long enough to take bags to the room and do the “grown-up” deal and unpack a little but, I had to see that ocean.

When my brother and I were kids, upon arrival to any beach, protocol was as follows:

1)Wait for Dad to stop the car at the hotel.

2) Undo seatbelts.

3) Fling open the car door.

4) Run as fast as our little legs would carry us toward the rushing sound of the ocean.

5) Run waist high into the ocean, fully clothed.

I forgot to mention that during this entire process that my mother was running behind us to “Stop”, “Don’t go in that with your clothes on!” “Wait" “Do you two want to get grounded”…seriously, “grounded”? who gets grounded on vacation? That’s what I thought.

It was about 5:45/6AM when we all finally hit the beach. We did some walking…getting our feet a little bit wet while playing tag with the ocean. Two of the girls were exhausted and decided to head back up to the room for some sleep. I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t tear myself away from the feeling that had over come every bit of me. So, my roommate and I stayed down…we walked along the beach for a while…watched the moon and even saw some shooting stars, 5 of them to be exact.

I’ve needed this vacation for a long time..the stress I’ve been wading through has management to almost creep itself into every opening it could and it was heading straight for the heart. It’d already taken over my brain…like a virus, I was fighting it…but some days I couldn’t win and when I realized it was making it’s way into my heart…that’s where I drew the line. I can fight my brain and I can fight the thoughts and stressful ways of processing those thoughts all day long…but to have it creep into the way my heart feels things and looks at things. Well, that is totally and unequivocally unaccepted.

This week is the week…it’s the week I want to take and make some changes. Some of then much larger than others, but they are changes none-the-less. You can’t deny that change is scary…you can’t deny that change is uncomfortable…but you always have to remember that it’s necessary. To grow. To develop. To improve. To be a better version of the person you were and a closer version to what God has called you to be.

For me…when change is immanent and necessary…God, as always (whether conscious on my part or not) is key.

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let
God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know
God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
Romans 12:2

How can that not give you peace, rest, and all the other things you’re looking for when change is coming? Yeah..that’s what I thought.

When all else fails…and you’re taking that time to make some changes…get up early and watch the sun. That’s what we did on the first day here…the change that happens in the sky is one of the most breathtaking and amazing sights that we have on this earth. To watch this fiery red ball raise up from what what appears the edge of civilization and find it’s place in the sky so that it can illuminate the entire sky…That change…that change is simply breathtaking. There are may times in life where words aren’t necessary even useless..but silence, silence adds the reverence that the moment deserves, that it begs for, and that is just. Often times, that idea I find no more true than watching God’s creation take it’s rightful place in the sky. And how much more of a blessing can that be? I was too awestruck to take pictures, I was selfish and wanted that moment to myself. But here’s a few, from this morning…after the fact. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be able to pull my camera out and actually take some of the process…or maybe I’ll still be too awestruck to move.

From Daytona 11/2010

Tell me those aren’t beautiful? You know what, I don’t really care…I’m on vacation.

All I Ever Need to Know..I Learned from Charlie Brown.

2010-10-30T13:58:00.000-04:00

Go ahead…laugh it out. But it’s true, and you know it’s true. Well, at least if you’re a Peanut’s fan, you know it’s true. I don’t know a whole lot about Charles Schultz. At least not in his personal life…I’m not one of those fans. I just love ‘em.

Last night, I watched my yearly “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”. I’ve watched it every year that I can remember. Last night, I realized that most everything I learned growing up, was from Charlie Brown. I don’t literally mean everything but most things…and today, before my personal life becomes a chaotic pre-Halloween mess…I just wanted to get them out somewhere safe…because cyber space is the safest place, y’know?

This may be long but hang in there, we’ll get through it together…

Linus: “Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker.”…Sad, but true…how many suckers did you go through as a kid jumping into piles of leaves on that perfect crisp fall day…that is to say if you didn’t listen to your parents about not running with a sucker in your mouth. But honestly, how many of us realllly listened to that advice when they weren’t around?

Charlie Brown: “I don’t mind the dishonesty half as much as I mind your opinion of me.” …Sometimes, we overlook things from people around us if we really believe in our heart that, “They really care about ______.” Who knows why we do it…but we do…we want people just to care about us and we have in our heads that we can fix the rest of it later on down the road..so the dishonesty, smart remarks, angry outburst doesn’t really matter if we believe that they love us, or care about us, or have our best interest at heart.

Charlie Brown: “It’s a signed document…I guess if you have a signed document in your possession you can’t really go wrong.” Lucy: “Peculiar thing about this signed document, it was never notarized”…It may sound backwards or country, redneck..whatever you wish to call it but my dad raised me to believe and keep in tact the only thing you can control…the words and promises you make. Lately, it seems that this world continues to run a little bit faster and so much that we have to text ourselves or leave a message on our answering machine just to remind us of what we have to do. Lucy always always, always got Charlie with that football trick. I laugh every time. Because he’s dumb enough to think that it’s actually going to work this time. That' she’s actually going to let him kick the ball. It’s what older sisters are for really…to make fools out of their little brothers. But in all seriousness (as serious as you can get with Charlie Brown)..shouldn’t your word mean something? Because if your words don’t mean anything…if your actions don’t mean anything…what do you have left?

Charlie Brown: “We are obviously separated by denominational differences.” (and he walks away). So Linus and Charlie didn’t agree on everything, especially the appearance of the great pumpkin…but who does? At least he had enough sense to state, in Peanuts terms, “let’s agree to disagree” and walk away. Their friendship was still in tact…no feelings hurt, no harm done…I have no reason anymore to stand and argue till I’m blue in the face about what I believe. I believe what I believe for my own personal reasons…some through trial and error…some because it’s all I’ve ever known and haven’t had the opportunity to experience elsewhere…but regardless, it’s mine. It’s not someone elses…I don’t have to hold them down and feed them with all the reasons they’re wrong and I’m right and they’ll never understand because they’re too stupid or dumb. I stopped arguing a long time ago…and simply understand that even to some of my closest friends, “we are obviously separated by denominational differences.” And that, I’m ok with.

Lucy: “A person should always choose a costume that is in direct contrast to their own personality.” (enter Pig Pen…with his stinky dirt cloud wrapped around him)…Pig Pen: “They’ll never guess it’s me under here..” Sally: “Hello Pig Pen, glad you could make it.”…I love this part…So here they are, all dressed up for Halloween, masks on, treat bags out…and Pig Pen, the token stinky kid, thinks he’ll finally be able to blend in but Sally calls him out as soon as he gets near…and somehow he’s still surprised that she knew it was him. Let’s see if I can properly get out the way my head wrapped around this and do it justice here…We all have heard the cliché about how we all wear masks and sometimes we wear several different kinds but at some point there will come a day where we have to take them off or they will all collide and even still we’ll have to settle out which is the real one. Wellp…take a good look, because that’s just what happened. There’s a Pig Pen in all of us. Characteristics about us that we don’t like, we’re ashamed of…we hide behind and get wrapped in this big old stink cloud (you like where this is going don’t you?) and one day we get the chance or we think we have it figured out how to mask it all up and just be “normal”. Just when you think you’re there…leave it to those friends who’ve known you your whole life to call you on it…to see behind that mask As disturbing as it is, because we feel we may have failed somehow and not taken care of that wound, just simply placed a band-aid of a mask over it, it’s liberating. It’s liberating to know that they are the ones who will be there…to help pull that mask off and to remind you that no matter what, they still care. After all, he' still went trick-or-treating with ‘em, right?

Linus: “You don’t believe the story of The Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed what was told to them. I thought little girls were innocent and trusting. Sally: “Welcome to the 20th Century.” …Somewhere along the way…we grew up. We realized that maybe not everything we’d ever been told was truth…not everything we’d ever been told was reality. The hard hitting fact that we had to face up to it ourselves and stop masquerading around pretending that we don’t know better. Some folks say that it comes with age or it moves on with time…either way, that part…the part about growing up and realizing that sometimes we were lied to…sometimes we weren’t told the whole truth. That’s the fact, jack. That right there. It hits you hard in the face like World-Series-9th-Inning-2-outs-bases-loaded-swing-for-the-fences-kinda-hit. This world isn’t always what it seems and the only way to figure it out is to make it through.

The face that Charlie Brown gets rocks the whole time they go trick or treating is not only entertaining…but, loaded with little mind nuggets…it’s the comedic offset for the entire evening..but sometimes it’s true…sometimes we just get rocks…but just like the party at the end of the evening…things get better. And sometimes you just have to have a good imagination like Snoopy hunting for the Red Baron.

For me, the simple dynamics of Sally and Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch all night, complete and utterly describe my relationship with Jesus. That’s plain and simple for me to see. One day I’m calm, “Nothing but sincerity”…the next, I’m screaming, yelling about “why this isn’t fixed, why isn’t this working, why don’t I understand?”…But regardless…I’ll wait..through insides screaming, or calming patience…I’ll sit in my pumpkin patch and wait..following the feelings I have…the words He speaks to me inside..I’ll wait on my Great Pumpkin. Because I know He’s there…I know He loves…I know He loves me…and when the timing is right…there’s nothing more you can do. Sometimes you get distracted by the Snoopies lurking around in the patch but…you have to stay strong…no matter the frustration…the hurt feelings…you stay straight…because you recognize you can’t force things to happen when you aren’t the one making them happen.

There’s really a million other things I could pour out here…but I have this feeling that enough is enough. But I’ll leave you with this one…"

Linus: “You’ve heard about fury and a woman’s scorn haven’t you? Well, that’s nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of tricks or treats.”

Like I said…all I ever learned in life…came from Charlie Brown.

Adulthood is sneaky..

2010-09-23T15:50:00.001-04:00

The past couple nights I've laid in bed wondering when it all happened. When did I buy a house (I know the real date and all...it's not the point), when did I worry about running into that person that you know you have to talk to but you'd rather avoid them (but you know if you do it would be ruder than you're willing to be)...its all those things you saw adults doing and never thought you'd be doing. Even here I still can't make myself say it. That whole process of adulthood. If that’s what you even call it.

Sometimes, I’m still not sure. I still find myself laughing at the dumbest things…not to mention watching Fraggle Rock re-runs.

When did our heads get so clogged with junk that we just forget about the simple things? Over the past few years I’ve watched society try and peel back the complications we’ve created and yet even that gets complicated. We all talk about how we want a simpler life, not so many obligations, not so many things we “must” accomplish or else. We find ourselves trying to get back to the basics of the way we grew up…

I can’t lie…I want that, I want a part of that. I want things to be simpler…sometimes I just can’t figure where to begin, which in turn, makes the idea of “simplifying” all the more complicated. When did simple get complicated?

I keep trying to keep a journal but it ends up scattered pieces of paper, a book I can’t keep up with or just not having the time to sit down and figure it all out here.

I recently took a look back at some of the old posts here and literally laughed out loud at some of the things I ranted about…the fingers of fury because friends made you mad or times that I was surprised I could even type through tears. I thought about deleting them. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. Their footsteps for me….their footsteps to show me how I got to be where I am today. You just have to smile about it really…smile and realize that you made it through alright…you won and lost a few…but you still got here.

Maybe adulthood isn’t so bad…maybe it’s not that complicated…the stress of balancing bills, making dinner plans with friends through Google calendars and text messages replacing voice to voice calls…maybe it’s not that bad (well, except for the last one). Maybe it’s finally figuring out that none of it matters…that the only that really matters is you surround yourself with good people who care about you and you care about them. That idea, accompanied with the belief, that the God who created me, molded me, loves me…will never let me go…I’m pretty sure that makes this thing called adulthood pretty dog-gone bearable. And simple. It makes it simple.

…Almost this simple..

...

2010-09-05T17:41:00.000-04:00

Books and Boops

2008-08-31T17:01:00.002-04:00

I judge books by their covers. Against all practical advice I got in this life, it's the truth. Forget the in depth philosophical meaning of this phrase and apply simply to shopping for new reading material...I judge books by their covers.

After church this mourning I went to Barnes and Noble. I've started the Disciple Bible Study Class at my church and after much thought decided that I wanted to buy a new Bible. Oh yeah...and the fact that I am the dork that enjoys the maps in the Bible for historical purposes and mine doesn't have any.

So...there I was, walking into Barnes and Noble and overcome by that wonderful smell of fresh books. I had already planned on going to the Famiy Christian Bookstore but they didn't open till 12...and I was at B&N about 10:30 and had some time to kill so I just started walking and browsing.

It was then that I watched some little kid walk by, musta been about 11 or 12...and I hear him say, "Boop"....moments later I hear, "Boop Boop". Apparently, there is a new language only spoken at Barnes and Noble...I'm not fluent. What I assume was this kid's brother met him in the aisle in front of where I was standing and they started talking about the books he had picked up. Then I heard it again, "Boop"...this voice was lower, like an actual adult...both the boys then said, "Boop Boop"...and over walks what I am only to assume was their dad. I just kind of shook my head and kept going...making a mental note to study up on the latest "Boop" language...unfortunately, Google returned no such results...

Anyways...I kept browsing through and taking out my phone to make little notes of all the books I plan to buy over time through Amazon. Hey, I may have been in Barnes and Nobles but I recognize high prices when I see 'em...I dont need some crisply fresh book to make me feel better about it...I'll take my slightly used Amazon.com books anyday. Same thing and if I'm lucky maybe someone smarter than me made some notes in the sides that might provoke a couple of new thoughts..I'm always a fan of someone else doin' the work...

Eventually, I made my way over to the Bibles and what not...keeping in mind the recommendation of the NRSV translated version...there were only a couple and not very friendly to my eyes. By the way...what sense does it make for someone to have a bible with .4 font that doesn't include a magnifying glass?? Man...I saw some print so small that would have probably made God's eyes hurt. While I was judging books by their covers, yes...even judging the Bible by its cover...I came across several that I liked...the format and such...even one that came with free stickers and a map. I was sold on it until I saw that it didn't have any maps...I like maps, and after all...preacher lady said the maps would help and I figure, she knows what she's talking about.

It took forever and though I found one I liked...I still felt the need to move on to the Family Christian Bookstore considering...well, if I wanted a Bible...they should have a plethera.

So, on to FCB. They were having a Bible sale and I sure hope after scowering the prices on some of the stuff it's a permanent sale. I understand and hold true that the knowledge and wisdom we learn from the book that we spend our entire lives trying to live by and in example of is priceless. But, is it neccesary to price it so flippin' high?? I felt just as lost and overwhelmed for what I was looking for and wanted as I did in B&N. I grabbed a couple, sat down in a chair and started thumbing through them...trying to get a feel and trying to figure out which one I liked over the next....2 hours later...I think I had finally settled on it. The Holman Student Bible is what I ended up buying. I liked the layout...some of the features...and the fact there were a lot of visuals of the places that are spoken about in the Bible. The trouble with all this is that I realized with my wonderful gift of ADHD, I have a hard time concentrating on anything...so I wonder how all this is gonna work out....But, after 3 hours...countless thumbing through different bibles...and praying that I could find one that would suit me and what I need it for...I am happy and I'm done.

Broken Windows and Forgotten Helmets

2008-08-11T14:02:00.007-04:00

It's funny how God manages to weave His breath and His spirit through our everyday lives and sometimes we don't even realize it till you're driving home and have to urge to turn off the radio to just think a while.
It's exactly what I realized on a drive home yesterday. It's just like the Psalms say that there is no where I can run or no where that I can hide to hide from His presence. So hang on for a little while as I stumble through this and maybe you'll be able to see his needle marks easier than I did...

Last Thursday, I got a phone call from a friend who was working with a youth ministry that I used to work for....and she told me that she had met someone who had a story similar to mine and that she thought it might somehow be beneficial for this person to talk to me or me talk to them...I listened more and more intent on the story I was being told about this new person...(let's call 'em Jill; coincidentally, my GPS is named Jill..) So, there I was being told about Jill's story and the more I was told, the more frozen I became because this person telling me doesn't really know my background, or at least I didn't think so...

I made a promise that I would leave work early the next day and go to camp and do whatever it is that I could for Jill..I didn't sleep that night, well at least not much. I tossed and I turned and each time waking up began praying for God to give me some kind of words or some kind of something to tell Jill that might help...or to let me know if what I needed to do is just listen...but for Him just to tell me something because I was clueless.

I get to the camp, some things out of the way happen and I finally get to the actual camp itself. Based upon the description I had been given the night before and the conversation I had during the day, Jill was fairly easy to spot. "So there she is...say something profound, life changing, fix this..." is exactly what went through my head...so I did...I didn't say or do anything. I, in my own fashion, avoided having to look face to face at a situation that was so mirror like to mine that it petrified me...so I headed inside the camp to find my Bible and just find something to read...something to make comfort in my head and to settle my heart...

I read and read and had buried myself solemn until is broken by a simple, 'What's up, you Becca?'...I answered 'yeah', a five exchanged and onto separate ways...I spent the next couple hours trying to get comfortable in my own skin, stop the roller coaster that is my head and talking to a couple other folks and sharing my story with them.
Evenin' came and it was time for the campfire...campfire passed and it was time...time to say something...that something 'profound' that I felt like I had to say...with the kick of a foot, I scooted over and said the first thing in my head..."Fear is a funny thing...it can stop us in our tracks or it can cause us to push harder than we've ever pushed before.." The funny thing is, I didn't say that for Jill's benefit...I said it for mine...because I was scared.
I somehow fumbled through a conversation, I couldn't even tell you what I said now because I don't remember and I have no idea if it made any sense or helped the situation.

The truth was, Jill had her mind made up and the conviction to do what she had to do was there...I almost felt useless...but I retained that this person, sitting before me that caused me to look into a mirror of myself without having an actual mirror present, I could not let go nor allow her to feel as if she is alone in her situation. Maybe, that was the entire purpose...maybe, I shouldn't have said anything but, "You're not alone...and won't ever be alone." Because if two people feel alone...they aren't really alone, right? And once you expound on loneliness and bring it into the light, it's impossible for loneliness to stay...for, you've broken it's entire existence.

I went home that night...and prayed. I made Jill promise me that when it came to facing her situation that as soon as it was done, she would call me to at least let me know she was alright. She told me that she or someone else would let me know. I consider being given some one's word..a bond/promise. Jill kept that promise.

The night in question was one of the most gut wrenching nights I've had in a while...I sent more text messages, prayed more prayers...recalled more laden memories that I wished I could forget...until I got the phone call. The person was the same, but the voice was different. There was a tone, a radiance that was more prominent than ever...a new life has begun.
Relieved and finally calm again...Jill and I talked for a quite a while...the more we talked, the more I began to see our likeness. The more nights and days we talked, that mirror like image became louder and louder until it gave way to a "Pick one of the two" games across the internet and I scarily say that there were only a handful of differences.
I got the pleasure of spending the day with Jill yesterday and had a blast...through all the shit talkin'...broken windows because of a sensor in my truck and leaving her to smell like smoke...I had one of the best days I've had in a while.
Now...what does all of the above mean? I told you all that just so I could tell you this...
I've been wandering around my life for the past couple months trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing...why have I gone through the things I've gone through and why do I feel plagued by the things in my head...why do I feel so absolutely alone...what purpose is there to it?
Maybe, the purpose was, in God's fashion, to remind someone else, similar to myself...We are not alone in our life...God is there...God's got this life of ours in his hands and it's ok...stop being so scared and not to let fear keep us from the things we want most...
Hell, maybe I'm completely off base and wrong...I've been wrong before...but regardless of being wrong or right...through the breath that God has woven through two previously unconnected lives...they are now connected in His love...and His plan...and to quote Casablanca..., "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.."

And by the way...why is it that I can write all day long about the thoughts, feelings going on internally but when it comes to just telling "Jill" a simple 'thank you' for helping me or bringing to the forefront of my mind that we are not alone in this life and that I finally feel as if I've figured out the reasons for why I've been through the things I've been through and even if it was only to make one person see that they are not alone in the things that life puts us through...why is the verbalization of that thought so hard? Who knows...maybe I'll try workin' on that next..

It's About Time...

2008-08-03T10:21:00.005-04:00

Maybe I'll just start trying to accomplish writing once a year...hah! At least I still have some bit of humor left.

A lot has changed for me since I last wrote...I bought a house...I applied for two jobs and got neither...Oh, and realized that the first big change...may have potentially ruined what small bit of sanity I was clinging too.

For several years past, I lived with my father who is a man I love and adore. However, since my mother passed things at home got increasingly worse for me. I continued to feel this enormous pressure to just take on everything...housework, helping pay bills, making sure all the t's were crossed and the i's were dotted...and I learned you can only do that for so long.

I prayed and prayed for God to show me a way out...to help me to become more independent and begin my own life instead of trying to take care of everyone else's lives. Finally, it happened. I started searching for houses and found one that I love. I followed the normal process and within a month I was proud to say that I was 25 years old and a homeowner.

My job continues to have its frustrations...sometimes I feel like it is more than I can take but somehow God manages to pull me through for another day; knowing that what I'm doing there is making some kind of difference in the lives I encounter.

Recently, with rise of prices on everything...things have become increasingly more difficult. I can't say I didn't expect it but I didn't expect it to be like this. I am blessed to have much more than most in this world and I have learned the value of what I have due to the things I have started to let go in order to just 'make it'. I know that everyone has their struggles and mine is no where near as important as others but to me, they are my livelyhood.

Today, my heat pump stopped working. It actually stopped working yesterday but today I know for sure that it is broke. I have no idea what's wrong...and it's something that I know nothing about and am too afraid to try and fix it. I've called a friend of my dad's to help but I have no money to pay him..Somehow last month I forgot to pay two bills...so they are doubled for this month and yet again, the money is lacking and in all actuality, is non-existant to pay them.

Each month I begin thinking that this month will be better than the last and yet, each month becomes worse than the previous. Add to this the re-occuring depression I've battled with most of my life and things begin to seem hopeless. Yet, I know and I trust that God will bring me through this too...however; I'm struggling to find him.

With what little pride I have left, the wall is broken...I'm scared of losing...I'm scared of not being able to survive and I'm scared that this time...the smallest things will turn into mountains that will close me off from the one thing that continues to pull me through all of this. Those folks that know me should know that I'm not one for admitting that I'm scared...but I can't ignore the obvious.

For the most part, I believe it's faked only because I fake it for me...but instead, today...I just had to get it out...I had to get it out of my head for a moment in hopes that I may feel better yet somehow...I don't.

I wish that card was true for me.

Mistakes are made...and the price is paid...

2007-11-21T23:49:00.001-05:00

I'm not a person who likes or gets any pleasure out of intentionally hurting another person...sometimes, we make mistakes...and those mistakes cause us a great loss. Sometimes, we swear we'll never make the mistake again and when faced with situation again, we rely on old habits....and those habits...they only end up hurting others...and that; that's what kills me. I can withstand the backlash of pain I cause...but knowing that others were hurt in the wreckage...that's a hard feeling to live with day by day. I can hope and I can pray that it gets easier...but I'm not sure that it will.

Despite what temporment I display, I consider myself quite a passive person...I'm not a fighter, but I can be when pushed...I don't blow my top easily out of anger, but when I do...watch out; and I don't like hurting other people...but often times I do...

I wish the words, "I'm sorry" meant what they used to....growing up every time I told my dad I was sorry for something, hell, anything for that matter, he would always look at me and tell me, "No you're not." then turn and go back to doing whatever he was doing. It used to absotlutely infuriate me when he did that...because I was sorry...later on in life he finally explained his method to me...that people say they're sorry all the time for everything...and the word's "I'm sorry" should be reserved for something you'll never do again because you learned the lesson the first time and don't feel a need to repeat it. I said that I was sorry....and those words I meant because I'll never repeat the mistake again...

There are so many things that I fight on a daily basis in my head....so many demons in my mind that some days I feel like I'm just going to get swallowed up in this black hole of a world. I feel as if there is no light at the end of this tunnel...in my heart, I know different...in my heart, I feel the light...but my head tells me that objects in my heart are farther away than they appear.

I always heard people say that their "heart hurts"...and I always wished I could be more sentimental and more heartfelt about life...well, my wish was granted...because my heart hurts...my heart breaks at the very idea that choices I made and things said hurt someone so close...and I'm sorry.

The Wreckage Song

One broken bottle

One broken man

Drenched in a bourbon perfume

Just rocking away

In my dady's chair

Paying the devil his dues

Feel Like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Too withered and worn to weather the storm

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

I'm goin down with the wreckage

Ashes to Ashes

That's what they say I'm torn between body and soul

Just killing myself

One drink at a time

Trouble is all that I know

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Father I pray I'll see heaven one day

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Well they call me a sinner

I reckon I am

But I don't know any other way

And I've been to Jesus time and time again

Lord I just can't keep the devil at bay

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

And I can't believe he bled a river for me

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Feel like i'm goin down with the wreckage

One broken bottle

One broken man

Drenched in a bourbon perfume

Just rocking away

In my dady's chair

Paying the devil his dues

Feel Like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Too withered and worn to weather the storm

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

I'm goin down with the wreckage

Ashes to Ashes

That's what they say I'm torn between body and soul

Just killing myself

One drink at a time

Trouble is all that I know

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Father I pray I'll see heaven one day

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Well they call me a sinner I reckon I am

But I don't know any other way

And I've been to Jesus time and time again

Lord I just can't keep the devil at bay

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

And I can't believe he bled a river for me

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Feel like i'm goin down with the wreckage

Postsecret

2007-10-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago a friend introduced me to the Postsecret website. Ever since then I guess you could say that I've become quite addicted to checking it every Sunday, since that's when it's updated.

Some of them make me think...some of them make me a lil sad...and some make me laugh...kinda like this one...

Stolen..

2007-10-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

I stole this from one of the groups I belong to on "the myspace"...and how true it is...

My experience as a Correctional Officer Every so often I get an e-mail from some one asking:"I'm interested in becoming a Correctional Officer, can you tell me from your experience, is the job worth it?"

WOW, how do I answer this? Do I tell you the facts about the profession and scare you away from the get go?

§ That during our careers, the average officer will be assaulted at least four times. "In 2005 I passed the national average when I was assaulted twice within a 5 day period."
§ The stress of our jobs is so great that, on the average, we will not see our 59th birthdays. "We take the job because of the great retirement plan, and yet we may not live long enough to enjoy it."
§ More than 33,000 of our co-workers were assaulted by inmates last year alone. "One of the toughest things I ever had to do was to call home, while on the way to the emergency room to tell my family that I was OK, but had been assaulted by an inmate. No one was home except my younger daughter, and it broke my heart hearing her cry, as I reassured her I was ok."
§ Where we work, the AID/HIV rate is three times higher than the general population.
§ Toxic cocktails comprised of urine, feces, blood, vomit, mucus and semen routinely are thrown at us. "It got so bad in New jersey at one point, that they had to implement a law making this a aggravated assault charge."
§ Every year, we attend memorial services honoring the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice while doing a job few would dare to do. "Yet, to many we are guards, screws, hacks or turn-keys."Or do I tell them how you change as a person?
§ After working there long enough, most of if not all your friends are correctional officers. Your old friends don't understand you the way a CO does.
§ When you go out for a beer after shift you say "No shop talk, but you know that is all you will be talking about is work. Yet when your loved ones ask you about work you have very little to say.
§ When you eat a a restaurant or go into a bar, you always have to sit with your back to the wall. As you have a conversation with your wife or girlfriend your eyes are always racing back and forth, scanning to see whats going on around you.
§ As much as you try and leave work and home separate, there are times that invisible line gets crossed. Other hazards of the job:§ Inmate are not always our biggest headaches, many times is the administration.
§ We (Correction Officers) are sometimes our own biggest enemy.
§ Be prepared to work your next 10 to 13 Christmas, and New Years. Forget about a 9 to 5, and weekend off.
§ The first few times you'll love all the overtime, but eventually you'll dread it.With all this in mind I've been a Correctional Officer for 19 years almost half of my life, and have no plans on leaving until I retire at 25 years of service. My job is a love hate thing. It all depends on what kind of a day I've had. Yet I cannot imagine doing any other job, and many of the officers are like my extended family. A disfunctional family, but family still. I would endanger my life for them and they would do the same for me. I hope this answers your question.

Patience is a what?

2007-10-20T22:37:00.001-04:00

Over the past two months I've been slammed with one hard hit after another...to the point that I'm on my knees begging for mercy. In all of this storm that has become my life I have also lost patience with almost everything. The problem with that is as usual...I seem to take it out on other people. I know the pyschology behind it...I don't need someone else to tell me how to fix it because right now...I don't have the desire. I deal with it by simply trying to avoid others until I eventually normalize out...the second problem is I always run into stressful situations where I do and say things that...well, I mean them, but I don't...I'm not sure how to explain it but "it works in my head." Ah well...crap happens and it seems to happen more often to me now than ever.

I'm still house hunting and it's becomming more stressful than I never thought it could be...I just want a house that is min ...I'm tired of cleaning up after everyone in my house...dealing with problems that are not mine. My brother totaled his car after 0.19% alcohol in his blood stream helped him decide to play chicken with a telephone pole. Thank God he is ok...the car and telephone pole....not so much. So now...we're..(and by "we" my dad and I) are trying to get in touch with lawyers and such....I talked to my aunt and cousin about it (and by talk I mean ranted and raved)...my conclusion is that...this is not my family to be responsible for...and it's a hard conclusion. Because I know as soon as I stop and let go...I'll have to watch it fall apart. I don't believe that my dad will be able to keep it together...it wasn't ever his forte growing up. I believe that if and when I find a house, I'm sure he'll move out of this one in order to sell it and move in with his fiance and soon afterwards; go ahead and marry her. Which is a situation I know is coming but I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with it either...in fact, I'm sure I won't be able to deal with it...but that's another story for another time.

I just hope and pray...that after all of this it will work out. That the reason everytime I get close to a house it falls through is that there is something better in store for me...and I hope I can keep up my end of the bargain...I haven't done a good job of taking some JAM time lately...and I can feel the difference ....and I don't like it. I just have remind myself that God's got this...and even though I don't see it because it's not working out like I want it to...doesn't mean that His plan is failing me....it never has before and one thing that I do whole heartedly trust, is that it never will...despite what I see and feel some times.

Kid singing Britney Spears scared to death by his mom

2007-10-05T21:09:00.001-04:00

What a Correction Officer Should Know!

2007-09-27T22:13:00.001-04:00

Livin' on the Edge...and Not in a Good Way

2007-09-26T21:14:00.000-04:00

I've said it a million times before that "I've had it...I just can't take it anymore." I guess each time I say it that I think the previous time I didn't mean it as much...but right now, at this very moment, I couldn't say enough that I absolutely positively mean it. I'm about to have a "Regina" moment...(I guess you have to work at the prison to get that one and I don't feel like explaining it now..).

Everyone has their own set of problems, everyone has their own baggage, and everyone's problem is as important as the next...making min. e no more significant than anyone elses but...none the less; they are mine and I have to live with them every single moment of every single day.

I haven't been able to actually have a complete night of sleep in so long that I couldn't even give you a date...I keep having the same dream over and over...it plays out the same way and I always wake up at the same time...I'll spend about 20 minutes trying to catch my breath...digging in the dark to get unravelled from my sheets...and walking around my house to make sure that it wasn't true. You would think after 6 years that the truth; the reality, would have set in...but sometimes it still doesn't make since and I guess it never will...

The lack of sleep and kit's poor quality have managed to textbookly (it's a new adjective, back off...) roll into added stress and irratibility...two weeks ago I found out that a very good friend of mine from "back in the day" killed himself...a week after that, my favorite night shift officer on our unit passed away of a heart attack. Last night...I walked into my house to find a dog that wasn't mine, and a girl who doesn't live here...well, living here now. Apparently, my brother and his rescuer syndrome, have taken her in and promised her a place to stay...with absolutely no consultation from my father or I about the situation...just a big fat suprise...

So my stress level is currently as tall as the Empire State building...and my tolerance for everything else around me has plummeted to the ocean floor. In the midst of all this I continue to pray that I can just get through it. I know that I will...and I have no doubt that God will pull me through as He always does...my question in all this, is not about the actual problems I'm under going...but what mind frame will I have when it's over.

You see...I tend to shutdown in these situations...feelings and other nonsense are thrown out the window because they are (in my opinion) useless...I tend to rely on logic to get me through the day. It's just not working...and I'm not sure what will...however; what I'm most afraid of in all of this (my question and fear are two different subjcts...) is the way in which I tend to handle these situations.

I don't do too well with 'em...so...we'll see.

My New Favorite Song

2007-09-20T22:13:00.001-04:00

Thanks Amy for introducing me to my newest favorite song...

The C/O Song

George Carlin - State Prison Farms

2007-09-09T23:15:00.001-04:00

Genius...Freakin Genius

Audience of One

2007-08-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

I come on my knees..to lay down before you...Bringing all that I am...Longing only to know you...Seeking your face and not only your hand...I find you embracing me...Just as I am

For the past couple days...I've been struggling with several problems that it's about time I faced and owned up to...I've been broken, busted, sad, hurting and all other feelings that I typically avoid at all cost. This time, I couldn't run far enough and it's about time that I stopped running all together. For the longest time I've pretended to be someone I'm not and for those that believe they know me...I'm sorry...but I have. I've pretended to Peter-esque. Follow me here...I have tendency to deny the very belief I have in Jesus Christ to most strangers that I meet...or even to friends that bring up the discussion of religion.

I'll get back to that in a minute...To my audience of one, You are Father and You are Son...As your spirit flows free, let it find within me a heart that beats to praise you..and now just to know you more has become my great reward..To see your kingdom come and your will done...I only desire to be yours...

I find myself continuing to believe that I must have this or I must have that...I am plagued with "Keeping up with the Jones'-itis". It's a condition that most of our society has and one that I continue to have struggles. It's not a good condition to have...I take a dangerous pride in being able to say that everything I have...I have worked for the truth is everything I have; I have been blessed to have recieved. I may have worked for it but it doesn't mean that it was promised to me and I try daily to remind myself that all of it could be taken away...and though this earthly side of me can't deny that I would be greatly upset...the eternal side of me screams out to just take it all and rid me of it because greather things are to come.

So what could I bring to honor Your majesty...What song could I sing? That would move the heart of royalty...When all that I have is this life that you've given me...So Lord let me live for you my song with humility...

I've had a feeling of hopelessness hovering me for quite a while now...feeling as every step I take towards finding the place for me in this world I am thrown right back down...I truly have no idea how to handle it, and anyone that knows me will know how much pain it takes to admint something like that...with the whole "house hunt" situation...I continue to feel as if maybe I just can't do it...maybe this isn't the time...but if this isn't the time why does everything in my core feel right...is that the struggle between good and evil that we so calmly overlook in this world? I don't know...I bought a laptop...something I have desired for quite some time...and all the sudden I did it...now I wonder if it was the right time...did I do it out of haste or with good decision making skills...I just don't know...My finances continue to become more of a depressing situation even though I hurt for nothing and am financially alright..I still feel lost and sinking...I just don't know...

And Lord as the love song of my life is played...I have one desire...To bring glory to your name...

I believe that our lives are nothing short of the most glorious and wonderful love song ever come to life. It is a love song that it sung through every dimension on this planet from a Creator that loves us with a love we can't possibly comprehend. In all of this, in light of all these struggles and all these problems, I must remember that. Remember where I left off? Tonight I attended the 20th celebration of Carolina Cross Connection. It was nothing short of amazing...it wasa realization that my life, what I have been blessed to be involved with...the spirit that continues to keep me pushing for more is alive more now than ever. I felt a presence within myself that I long that I'd lost...I felt the very hand of our God reaching into me and telling me that it will be ok...I felt the storm in my heart and head finally calm to still waters...and I know what I must do and the new bracelet on my hand reminds me of that...I will continue to pray that this mountain top feeling doesn't subside over night and it is my responsibility to feed it's yearning...something that I will admit to not doing nearly enouch.

It reminded me that we live in a broken, hurting, filthy world that will continue to spin on it's axis long after I'm gone...but my mission while I am here is just important as yours. Remind the people that we encounter that there is a God, an amazing-gracious-omnipotent God who loves us so very much. So much that the realization of this brought the first tears I've had since the day my mother was buried. But they weren't tears of sadness...they were tears that reminded me of who I have been called to be and to put everything I have into being that person and not the person my friends expect me to be or have known me to be...they reminded me to be the person that God has called me to be..the person that is part of this plan...this plan to change the world...be with a smile and hammer in hand or holding a door at the right moment...or standing up for what I believe and not shying away from it because I am scared of the confrontation. It's time to get wet....soaking wet...I mean like standing on the side of the road during a monsoon wet (see previous post...you'll get it then...).

It's time to play for the audience of one.

The Ride Home from CrossBridge

2007-07-26T22:27:00.000-04:00

Monday I drove home from helping close out the 5th summer of CrossBridge. While I was out there I picked up my cousin's mattress from the place she had been staying. She's moving to Charlotte and had no way to get it...so, I figured if I was in the area and could obtain a trailer for the weekend it'd only be logic for me to help her get it...so I did. Now..I didn't place a tarp on the mattress because I had checked the weather channel and it said it wasn't supposed to rain on Monday...wrong.

It began ever so slightly drizzling about an hour out from the house. I pulled over and got my tarp out, wrapped up the mattress and tied it down. I got a little wet but not too bad. About ten miles later I realized the tarp was rising a bit too much for one that was supposed to be tied down...so, I pulled over again and repeated the above step. I got a little wetter. Fifteen miles from there the rain had increased to a steady downpour and I saw the rope come loose. I slowed down, said a few choice words, pulled over onto the side of the road and debated on what I should do at that point. I had wratchet straps on the mattress holding it onto the trailer. I decided to take those off and place the tarp underneath it to ensure that it wouldn't come off or loose again. I jumped out of the truck in the middle of the downpour, in flip-flops nonetheless, and began undoing the wratchet straps (after it took about 10 minutes to remember how they release). Trucks, cars, vans, etc. are flying by at about 70 mph...a situation I was not comfortable in at all. Trying to lay a tarp on mattresses with the wind from the oncoming vehicles made it a difficult task and the rain never let up. I was absolutely soaking wet. I stood up on the trailer pulling the tarp across and fastening the strap when a transfer truck came driving by and sent the back end of the tarp straight into the air. I admittedly and temporarily lost it. I had been tehre for approximately 30 minutes trying to get the tarp on in the middle of a down pour and no one had even slowed down to see if I needed help. I remember looking straight up and just yelling at God, "Give me a freakin' break! You've got to be kidding me!! Couldn't you send just one person to help me?!"

No sooner had I yelled out in anger to God for the situation I was in did the thought settle within me. Who would want to help someone tarp down a stupid mattress in the middle of a down pour? Following that thought was this one... I probably wouldn't even stop to help me. Then the next one...the one that stopped me dead in my tracks while in the pouring rain and a tarp in my hand...How many people do I pass each day, who are in the middle of a down pour in their own life, while I keep going on with mine, and not even thinking twice about helping them all because I don't want to get wet?

I was disturbed. It was about that time that another transfer truck came by and brought with it in passing a wall of water. If I wasn't wet enough, this one did me in...because when I say wall of water...I mean wall of water...and it all came crashing against me and the tarp. I couldn't help but to laugh and shake my head. I couldn't be mad...it was just a way of driving the point home with me.

I've thought about that last idea since I've been home....How many people do we pass each day that have downpours filling their lives and we choose not to stop and help because we are afraid of getting wet?

I wish I could safely say that the next time I encounter the situation I will not run...but that would be making a promise that I am unsure if I can truly keep. Hey, at least I'm honest. But I will be much more alert and I hope with being more alert comes being ready to help.

Thanks for the lesson God....it was brilliant...but next time...a little less rain...maybe.

Patrick Vs. Capri Sun

2007-07-25T22:18:00.001-04:00

I love Patrick. He makes me laugh.

Jon Gets Tired

2007-06-08T17:10:00.001-04:00

Poor Jon...It could only happen to him at Staff Training...

Madea Goes To Jail Funny Clips

2007-05-28T18:17:00.001-04:00

Watch it...Love it

Pfc. Brian Lee Holden

2007-04-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

Pfc. Brian Lee Holden

R.I.P.

The Theory of Eight Intelligences - Features

2007-04-18T14:48:00.000-04:00

The Theory of Eight Intelligences - Features

WCU Marching Band Segment 1, 9/16/06

2007-04-15T17:48:00.001-04:00

Blue Band Thriller Performance 2005

2007-04-15T17:45:00.001-04:00

end of ze world

2007-04-15T17:43:00.001-04:00

Actions

2007-04-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

Aristotle said, "All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire." and I'm pretty sure at this stage that just as actions have these causes they also are their own result. This week has been the most stressful week of my lifetime and I mean that is every possible way. Yet, it doesn't seem to be getting better.

It's hard to stand idle and watch folks for whom you care so much, allow their lives to be torn apart by materials things such as money. I have alot of ideals about love and what it should be able to do and I understand that in reality dreamers can dream but they still must come down from the clouds. It's hard to watch the actions of others, knowing how destructive those actions are, and not be able to voice some kind of reason for fear that the reprecussions would do more damage than the action. Furthermore, it's hard to watch someone who is identical in their thinking to yours, allow destructive actions and pride forego the love that they pledged to have in front of that significant other and more importantly, God. It's sickening to know that someone so strong and intelligent seems to feed off making another person feel subserviant and worthless. And even worse, well...maybe worse, than that is the conclusion that you no longer want that person in your life and they absolute calm you feel about such a monumental decision.

A wise man, who plays a wise old lady, once said that if folks in your life are doing something that isn't good for you and you ask them to stop and they still don't....or they don't even attempt to try to change...then you don't need that person in your life. I was mad at first...thinking maybe I should still say something more and help the other through those reprecussions...but the reality is...it's not their problem nor their decision. It's mine and only I can make it. I made it. However; I've learned that when you do all you can do....and that person comes dragging ass back....it's not your job to make it right, it's theirs and there is no bend in that decision.

I've seen him at his best...I've helped push him to the finish and he in turn, helped push me through the crap that was my life. I let him cry for hours when she broke his heart and told him that, "It's gonna be ok.". He's let me cry when my mother died and told me, "It's gonna be ok." I skipped class to wait on phone calls that came in every other two minutes while his son was being born. He pushed me to finish college and reminded me that no matter who and what you do...stay true to what you know and who you are and take that with you into what you will become. Above everything else, he has been more than a friend and closer than a brother. But I never....never....believed or even fathomed that he could be so destructive and prideful to another human being the point of almost no return. But somehow, because I know him...my heart breaks for him because for whatever actions he continues to make and words that he continues to say I know that they are not provoked by the outside factors; that they are the result of some struggle for balance in his mind. Sadly, the person I know is there, hidden inside, is not winning and because of that I know not the person that remains. I only know that the person that remains, is not the person I want or need in my life. And that...that is what absolutely positively breaks my heart.

Maybe, just maybe...the person I know might return...and if he returns broken, it's alright because I'll remind him, "It's gonna be ok." But until then, there is no course of action that I can take to repair the damage that has been done without those reprocussions being focused on an innocent party.

"When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."

Hopelessness

2007-04-07T00:40:00.000-04:00

The dictionary defines hoplessness as:
1. providing no hope; beyond optimism or hope; desperate
2. without hope; despairing: hopeless grief.
3. impossible to accomplish, solve, resolve, etc.
4. not able to learn or act, perform, or work as desired; inadequate for the purpose

I don't understand how a word that is so desolate and depressing can contain the one word that we as a people deem so neccesary to have, and that is hope. It's in those moments of hoplessness that we search more vigoursly for hope than we do in any other time within our life. When we are desperate, we search for a way out. When we believe it is impossible, we search and re-evaluate all options before bowing into submission...When we are not able to learn or act or perform as desired, we give it our best to learn as much as we can, though it may not be enough, we can walk away with our tail tucked between our legs saying, "Well, at least I tried."

That feeling of hoplessness has been lingering with me all day...with everyhing that has happened I have that feeling of taking two step forwards and being thrown three steps back. I can't seem to get ahead but I realize not everything is the way it seems. There are lessons that I'm learning that currently, I'm too blind to see and once I'm through this muck I'll find them and hold onto them for the next round. It's in those times where we want to blame God for all that's going wrong and forget that there's a Devil around the corner waiting for us to fall into one of his traps...and it takes lesson after lesson before we are able to realize what they are and even then....we're not safe from falling. But we are safe regardless, well, you are if you share the same basic belief that there is a God who loves me/us....and regardless of how we fall or how often we fall, He is there going into those long personal blackholes with us and as we're looking around for him we may overshadow that magnificent subtle presence with our own brogue personalities that are screaming, "I'll do this myself." If we could do it all ourselves...why do wind up in those situations...why don't we avoid it? Because...we can't do it ourselves. And that...may be considered a hopless case...but in any regard, there is hope in hoplessness...or else, that word...that little four letter word....wouldn't be there.

Take That VH1

2007-04-07T00:28:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure that this week could definately make the VH1's Worst Week ever...(or is their show actually, VH1's Best Week Ever...eh, who watches it anyways.) This week has tried every bit of patience and anger management technique I have...not to mention it's also charged my checkbook.

Crossbridge is starting in June and prior to this I wanted to get new tires and brakes put on the truck due to all the driving I'll be doing from home to there...so, on the recommendation of a fella tha I work with I go to this lil place to check on prices of tires and to put the brakes on during my lunch break. At the end of the day when I'm leaving (after quite a stressful day at work already...) my rear passenger tire is flat. I don't exactly mean flat but it was as if some humongous snake bit the tire and sucked every bit of air out...the only thing keeping my rim from the asphalt was the spread of rubber underneath it. I got the tire changed with some help from some fellas at work and was on my way. I went by a couple places to see if they could patch and lo -n- behold...they were closed. I figured what the hell...I'll just go to Wal-Mart...$250 later and a long story, I have two new front tires. This all happened on Wednsday. Today, I went to go get the brakes put on...I show up to the garage with my brakes, they pull off the tires and I realize they sold me the wrong breaks at O'Reilly's...So, I have to buy new front brakes from the Auto Zone in town that delivers...AND my front rotors were too thin to turn so...$250 later, I have new front brakes and new front rotors...

I'm now pretty much screwed from doing any extra curricular activity for the rest of this month...and that may possibly include driving anywhere with the price of gas. All afternoon I've pondered the feeling of helplessness because that's how I felt. This being an adult thing is so overrated... But I was thinking about the word hopelessness and at the risk of making this post too long...I'm going to do another one on those thoughts...

Oh yeah, and my night terrors are back...so I haven't slept worth a crap in the past week and a half...any nerves that I have are burnt off at the ends...and to avoid going to the doctor for more sleep medicine, which I despise doing in the first place, I think I'm just gonna do alot of praying and little sleeping.

2007-02-13T19:15:00.000-05:00

It's pouring down rain right now...and I mean pouring. I get home from work and pullI pulled in the driveway just in time to realize that someone has busted out the back glass of the station wagon...

....breathe in...breathe out...please don't let it be one of those weeks...cuz right now, I'm pretty sure, I can't take it

Then there are those times...

2007-02-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

...with the wake of our prison's "National Geographic" Debut...then there are those times where I wish some of our counterparts in other states used the brain God gave 'em. Unfortunately, what's done is done...and for this kid's family...man, I'm so sorry...http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/02/08/60minutes/main2448074.shtml

Houston....There's a problem

2007-02-06T20:42:00.000-05:00

Over the past while, I can't exactly remember how long, I've done quite a bit self-discovery...and finding the article below entitled, "The Awakening", caused me to dwelve a bit deeper with it and in doing so, I've discovered a problem (which is one way of looking at it)...the other way looking at it, I've discovered the person that I can potentially be without loving the God that I do.

So, with that said...if you think you know me, run...you may not like what this says. This is not one of those warnings to make you actually stay by trying to raise your curiosity. I mean it...if you truly think you know me, it's your own risk. If you don't know me, it makes no difference. Either way...Here goes

I am a destructive force. I constantly battle to keep myself in some type of limitations as to not go to extremes with the destruction that I seem to inflict...so let me explain further.. I am the type of person that wants to make a plan for something. But, after conversation, my mind will automatically begin cycling through reasons I shouldn't do it or should do it. You might say this is normal for some folks but I guess you have to understand the depth at which it goes on. I want the committment of a plan for anything...yet at the slightest hint that something isn't going to work the way I envision it to work...I will lie my ass off like no other to cause the entire situation to cave on itself.
If we are to meet somewhere, I will be late...I will tell you that I was late for X reason. You'll believe me because I can lie my ass off like no other. I have learned to manipulate like the best. However, that is a whole other issue that I have learned to control or at least not unleash unless "survival" is needed. At this point, plans and time frames are essentially ruined and yet, I feel better about it because now, I have an "out". I know...I bet you believe it's commitment issues that I have. But...that's not it or at least not all of it.

Somehow, I had all this figured out in my head but it's not falling into place here. But I'll keep trying.

Relationships/Friendships, scare the piss out of me. If you think I'm a good friend...you lie. I'm a horrible friend. You're just biased because at some point I've been able to convince you that you can trust me. For that, I'm sorry. However, I do promise to do everything I can to show that I am worthy of that trust and I'd like to believe and will do everything in my power to not jepordize that but somewhere in my life I learned that as much as you believe you can trust someone...there is no one on this earth, and I mean no one, that you can truly trust. I don't trust anyone. Just in case you think I'm kidding...I'll say it again, there is no one on this earth that I fully trust. Now, I may trust you or another person in a particular point in time, and if those words come out of my mouth, then yes, it is true. I also have learned that you don't utter the following words unless you mean it, "trust, love, yes, and no". If you do know me and you continued reading this then you know how sarcastic I am at any given moment in that case, those words aren't applicable. For instance, my family always ends a phone conversation with, "Love you". Everytime I will stumble through these words just to get them out because for some reason everytime I say them I have to rationalize why I'm saying them. The answer should be simple that I love them because they are family...but it's not so simple in my head.
I've tried for quite some time to stop thinking so much and just "be" but I can't outrun my mind. It all seems to catch up with me and I go through this cycle of re-evaluationg every point in my current state of life.

I've never dealt with emotions well...and by well, I mean not at all. I can express happiness and anger...that's about the extent of it. The inbetweens and ups and downs, I guess I have chosen over the years that I'll figure it out somehow...and I'm still waiting. "Just talk about it" isn't an option. I tend to practically shut down during those moments of my life...and I realize that I become distant and what not but that's me, complicated and all. I have no desire to express them and I have no desire to just "talk about it." You can call it unhealthy and whatever name you want for it but at this point, I don't see it changing...which, if you've followed this far; is where I become destructive. If I can't figure it out, I'd rather not deal with it and I normally will do what I can do not deal with it...being avoidance...quiet...whatever means neccesary.

I'm sure that all of the above doesn't quite make sense but it was one of those things I had to get out and put it away. Now, for the disclaimer...there is this wonderful force, being...whatever you name it in my life called Jesus Christ. Through Him and His word...all these problems mentioned above don't seem to be so harsh...I seem to be able to stumble through it and the guilt that comes with the destructive behaviour of the human nature, is subsided. Because I know that if I'm true to what I've learned through Him and His word...the feelings of compassion, truth and honest..love...will all fall into place. And that...that is what continues to save my life day after day.

The Awakening

2007-02-04T09:59:00.000-05:00

So...I stole this from Mad One and borrowed it from someone else, who I think borrowed it from someone else...none the less...I had to share it just like me predecessors.

THE AWAKENING

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there isn't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). You learn that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that your body really is your temple; you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all --FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it. You learn not to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state-- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Then, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath,and you begin to design the life you want to live.

-- Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll

National Geographic

2007-02-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

If you have the National Geographic Channel...on 2/5/07 @ 9pm. Watch it. That is all.

At least that's the date and time we've been given for the show to air. IF it's not my prison...it'll be another either way, it's still a great show.

JP

2007-01-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

Man....The red haired chicky...just rocked my world. Welcome back!

Slacker..

2007-01-04T20:23:00.000-05:00

I've been accused of alot of things, and being a slacker is one of the few that is right. Especially when it comes to updating things like this. Y'know...this used to be alot less trouble when I was in college and didn't have anything to do...well, except for that studyin' stuff.

So, let me allow you privvy to my most recent adventure. I have sworn to quit smoking. Mostly, because finally the State Health Plan is willing to pay for treatment that will aid in smoking cessation. For me to buy the generic "Patches" it's about $5. Not bad considering they are usually about $40. So...I make an appointment to the doctor and my 15 minute visit goes about like this:

Dr : So, you want to stop smoking?
Me: Yup, and I need you to write me a prescription for "the patch".
Dr.: Write you a prescription for an OTC medicine?
Me: Yup...that's how the insurance has to have it done.
Dr.: No problem. ::scribbles in unreadable writing:: here ya go. Good Luck. If it doesn't work, there's a new medication we can try. Don't hesitate to make an appointment if the patches don't work.
Me: No problem, thanks Doc.

--From here, I leave the doctor's office and go down the block to the pharmacy--

I walk in the pharmacy and ask the lady where "The Patch" is located. She tells me it's behind the counter up front, that I walked right passed it. So I walk up to the front and tell the lady what I need.

Me: Excuse me, but I need to get 6 boxes of the 14mg Nicoderm CQ patch.
Lady Cashier: Ok, but I'll have to escort you the back for the pharmacy to handle it.

We walk to the back, the lil Pharmacy Tech rings it up...and my insurance won't cover it. She then tells me that I have to go call Blue Cross Blue Shield and find out what happened. So, I walk out to my truck and....cell phone is dead. At this point, I'm just a tad stressed out about the whole situation and yes...I smoked a cigarette. So, I get home call BCBS of NC and go through 15 minutes of pressthissaythat crap. Did I mention it was 4:30 when I called them? Now...to add to the stress of not being able to get my "OTC Prescription" filled, I'm upset that I can't talk to a real person. Finally, I get ahold of the insurance lady..

Insurance Lady: BCBS of NC, may I help you?
Me: Yes, I went to the doctor to get a prescription for the patch, in regard to the new smoking cessation benefit you offer, and I took it to the pharmacy; they rang up the Nicoderm CQ and turns out, you don't cover it. And now, I'm just a little bit stressed about the entire situation and I want you to know that while I'm in limbo of starting my smoking cessation quest...I'm smoking right now; on the phone with you, I'm smoking. Thanks alot.
Insurance Lady: Well, ma'am, that's probably because we are only covering the generic version of Nicoderm. For instance, if your local pharmacy like CVS carries the brand, we'll cover it.
Me: Oh...oops, my bad. I'm sorry...but I'm still going to finish my cigarette.

--Back to the pharmacy I go...--

I tell the cashier I need their brand of it...once again, I'm escorted back to the pharmacy. On the way back the cashier and I have this conversation...

Me: Can I ask you a question?
Cashier: Sure.
Me: Why are all the smoking cessation products up front, beside the cigarettes and above the cigars. I mean, it seems to me if you are truly trying to quit smoking the last thing you want to see is cigarettes or cigars. It's practically encased by tobacco products...doesn't seem very helpful...I'm just sayin'...that's all.
Cashier: I don't know, but you have a good point. It's a conspiracy probably.

And wouldn't my luck have it that she's the only cashier and everyone in line is looking at me like they are going to kill me in the parking lot. I get back to the pharmacy, everything goes through fine. I pay for it and start to leave...As I walk through the anti-theft device...it goes off...and now I look like I"m shoplifting smoking cessation products...They lady runs it over the lil de-magnetizer and it works...

As I got into the truck I realized this...It's going to be a long haul on this quest, but I have faith I can do it and friends that are supporting it. So that helps, alot. But doggonit...I haven't even begun to quit and I was already going nuts. It's way too much trouble.

Uncle

2006-10-19T20:28:00.000-04:00

Uncle....I cry uncle on everything.

Little help from my friends...

2006-08-28T17:01:00.000-04:00

I always joked that my family was the "Black Sheep" of our whole family...My mother and I were the only ones who smoked...my dad chewed tobacco...we were overweight..my mom was always on disability of some kind when she couldn't work...my dad worked too much...and we didn't have the $150,000 houses that all my aunts and uncles have. The rest of my cousins picked majors in college (Nurses and doctors...engineers...computers) that have the potential to yield a nice financial life...I picked Criminal Justice and my brother won't even go to college. I knew that working in the CJ field would not yield such a great financial status...but, it is and always has been one of my few true passions in life.

With everything else going on in my life...trying to keep our house and keep my head above sudden death...I thought that by applying for a new job with a higher pay grade; I would finally begin to see a little sun. Today, I recieved a letter that stated I forgot to enclose a form and my application was denied. The letter was typed on the 18th and mailed on the 26th. Had this letter been mailed the day it was typed...I'd still have a chance...but as it seems my luck goes...no chance. The form should have been turned in on the 21st. I would have recieved this letter on the 20th and as long as the form was post marked on the 21st, they had to accept it. Thanks to it's author...there is nothing that can be done. It took weeks to gather the courage to send my application and more time to break the news to my boss; who has been extremely supportive.

I never thought or felt that I would be stuck in such a place where I feel like everything is caving in on me at once. I continue to remind myself that God is with me and I know that he is because without him...I wouldn't be surviving. But I can't shake that feeling...and it hurts so bad to know or at least feel, like I'm the only one in my house trying to do anything. I'm tired of running for everyone else and listening to everyone else and giving advice to everyone else...when the one thing I want is advice. Perhaps, it's my place in life to be the listener...but for once in a long time, I miss having someone to talk to...and it is never failing when I get to these emotions that I begin to think about my mother and how much I miss her. She was that person...it took so long to realize it and to start our relationship over before it ended.

I feel like I'm stuck...as if nothing I ever will do is going to be good enough. I don't want to some fancy house or car...I want whatever is average...a place that is my house...and car that is my car...I want to be independent from my home and I feel like every step I take towards these goals...I get thrown back down and held there...but I always get back up; and I guess in some sense, that's what counts.

With Brandon and Misty's wedding so close...and trying to get everything accomplished for it, I don't have much time for anything else. I just want a break...I just need a break...because I don't know how much more I can take befor I absolutely lose my mind...

Shake -n- Bake

2006-05-06T23:47:00.000-04:00

I want someone to shake me...and maybe if they shake me they'll shake me from this rut that I've been in for so long now. It's not that I want my birthday to be a big deal (but the fact that I've mentioned it twice in two days makes me wonder if it's a sub-concious thing...hmm) but...I'd appreciate if someone other than me acknowledged it. Actually, I just want my dad to tell me happy birthday...that's all I want, really. If he does, it'll be the first time in 5 years that he's told me happy birthday. My aunts are a bit upset that he didn't plan anything or that I don't have plans to do something special...but I don't know. Like I said before...that was my mother's job...or at least what she was good at. Maybe the whole birthday-mother connection has just sent me for a loop...I dunno...

Blah...

2006-05-03T19:24:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling kind of "Blah" lately...and I think I Have the culprit. Believe it or not, I believe that it's the whole "Birthday" thing. I used to be a huge fan of the whole birthday theme and to be honest since my mother died...I dread it. She used to make birthday's fun and something to look forward to...she loved to plan the party or at least go out to eat..and it's just not there anymore. It's not that my dad doesn't do a good job...well, to be honest, he actually forgot about my birthday last year or at least that's what it seems. So, I guess I've just adjusted to not really celebrating my birthday.

The year after my mom died, Dave and Catherine threw me a suprise party and it was great..it was definately something I'll always remember. I don't know...and I feel like this isn't making any sense but I had to get it out there and allow it just to get lost in cyber space.

It's already been qutie a week at work. We had an inmate pass away on our unit. The sad part is...he wasn't well liked. So, when we tried to hold some kind of memorial service...it turned into a venting session about being locked down all day. I feel bad for Roger...and after speaking with his family and hearing their stories it sounded as if his mental illness took away from everything he used to be and in fact we never got to know who Roger really is.

I don't know...too much of a stressful week and so much going on that I can't even get my thoughts straight to put this up here...so, I'll just retire.

Blurbs of Randomness

2006-04-29T23:19:00.000-04:00

So we've had a lil town festival over this weekend...I've had a good time, and listened to some great music. Who ever thought the 1924 Courthouse would make a great stage? Semi-smart folks we got in charge of this here shin-dig. We've wondered...looked at vendors, ate ice cream, sat in the street...y'know, all those small town festival things to do, including putting your hand in something you weren't so sure was water. But hey, that's part of it. I had one of those moments, where I felt like I was standing still and everything was moving around me. Many of my friends have scattered about...living in other places...bigger and smaller cities. Yes, at times I like to travel and get out of this place but I enjoy this little town...these little festivals. It's special...quaint (or however you spell it!). I just kinda felt like sharing that.

And you run into all those people you haven't seen in a million years and I'm forced into that awkward conversation about how things have been. For instance, I see a girl that I grew up with and was practically my childhood best girl-friend. She moved and went to school somewhere else...moved back in high school...high school did it's part of unbalancing the playing field of friends but none the less, we still remained close. I saw her last night, we hugged...exchanged a few awkward sentences and went about our way. But I couldn't help thinking about how I could tell the person I was with how she got that scar on her elbow...because I was there and made the dare that caused her to get it. I can tell you about the first time her dad left her mom because I was the one that she called on the phone to talk with and cry with... Or, that her favorite color is pink and her birthday is exactly 4 days after mine. Yet, a few years later, we're just passing acquantences. Funny...sad...or whatever you want to call it.

I've had quite a stress filled week with work. Somehow, due to my weakness to our Unit Manager, I ended up on a "Bulletin Board" committee. Yes, this is the very epitomy of our state...that a division memo went out over the concern about cluttering on the prison bulletin boards. So, in true bureaucrapic (bureaucrapic, not a typo...) fashion, to resolve this problem we start a committee. I spent a total of 20 hours this week cleaning off bulletin boards, re-arranging them and so-forth. I also had an inmate release...which always puts me on the paranoid everything is going to fall apart at any given second mood... So this Blues Fest was good timing.

--I'm also going to be a part of a group from CCC alum and currents that are going to New Orleans area to do some work. I'm excited but...I'm scared. I don't know exactly what to expect and this feel so far out of my element...but I know God's going to take care of this and the door wouldn't have opened if something great wasn't going to happen or come of it...even if we can't see it first hand.

Well, I think I'm going to retire for the evening and get some kind of rest...

Random...

2006-04-18T22:40:00.000-04:00

So, how was your Easter? Mine was alright...my dad and I spent Sunday and Monday replacing our bathroom floor right down to the joists. What trying times it became...but I learned something over those two days...I loved spending that time with my dad. I know he's not as "young as he used to be" and he "can't do it like he used to do" but...nevertheless...It was nice. But our floor looks great after several different altercations and one lyin' Lowes Hardware man...but it turned out great. Yes, I see spots here and there I don't like and that's what happens when you do things yourself, you concentrate more on the inconsistencies than the overall picture but...besides that, the time with him was great.

Random: Ever been sitting in your car beside of a fire truck when they get a call and hit the sirens and lights and it scares the bee-jeezus out of you? yeah...happened to me, but the fireman thought it was funny...

devotion. 2

2006-04-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

"Authority: Authority is a word that most young people don't use for one simple reason. It's a power word...and adults are the ones who generally have all the power. When adults want to describe reachable goals for you, they usually use words like maturity, growth, humiliity, or patience; but seldom if ever, do the use authority. But disciples of Jesus can have authority, whatever their age. This kind of authority is the result of simple living. The authority of living always has greater influence than the authority of talking. A young person can possess all of the benefits of authority - influence, respect, and strength - just by living an ordinary life and following JEsus wherever he leads. Here's an easy way to know whether you have authority or not. If your friends ask for your advice, if they want to be with you when they are in crisis, if they refer their friends to you, if they defend you to others...then you know that they see you as someone with authority. (devotion., Mike Yaconelli, Day 2)"

Mark 2:23-28
"One Sabbath day he was walking through a field of ripe grain. As his disciples made a path, they pulled off heads of grain. The Pharisees told on them to Jesus: "Look, your disciples are breaking Sabbath rules!" Jesus said, "Really? Haven't you ever read what David did when he was hungry, along with those who were with him? How he entered the sanctuary and ate fresh bread off the altar, with the Chief Priest Abiathar right there watching--holy bread that no one but priests were allowed to eat--and handed it out to his companions?" Then Jesus said, "The Sabbath was made to serve us; we weren't made to serve the Sabbath. The Son of Man is no lackey to the Sabbath. He's in charge!"

Todays Top 10
-Make a list of the top ten things you do every day that are your choices -
10. I choose to smoke.
9. I choose to fill my language with not so great words.
8. I choose to eat unhealthy.
7. I choose to break the speed limit.
6. I choose to work everyda.
5. I choose to attend church.
4. I choose to take time from my day and devote it to learning more about Christ.
3. I choose to make changes in my life.
2. I choose to be accountable of my own faults in my relationship with Christ.
1. I choose to believe in Christ.

Journal Entry
-I can choose the kind of life I live. I can choose what I believe. I can choose to control myself or not. I have authority over my decisions. I can choose to be...-

I can choose to be me. The person that Christ made me. I choose to believe in Him. I make all these choices everyday but I don't always make the right choice. I have unhealthy choices that I continually make within my life. Whether it be needing strength or simply afraid to fail, I also choose not to make those choices. Follow me here...For instance, I smoke. I know it's unhealthy and all the associated risks yet, I choose to continue smoking. However, the want of quitting has been extremely strong and will be a path I explore but in the past; I wonder if I never tried simply because I was afraid of failing. But how can you know if you never try, right? Right. I make excuses and so on...and I'm tired of doing it. But do I not try because many of the people I'm surrounded by smoke so the temptation may be too great? Possibly, but isn't it worth trying? It is...and I will. I choose to be afraid. I want so bad to choose to get over this fear. Time will tell I guess. I also choose to be a follower of Christ...and learning previously of the Aliens lesson...should not conform to a world that is not my own. I'm not believing that I am some green alien but I do believe my home is not eternally on this Earth. The subject of smoking just seems to be on my mind since I was at the office today in Lincolnton and Taylor was discussing the "Smoking Commercial" she saw. Since then, it's just been on my mind I guess...and I'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe tomorrow will be the choice I've been so afraid to make. But I know that I must be prepared to make that choice and all the adjustments that went along with it.

devotion.

2006-04-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

"Aliens: Aliens are foreigners, strangers in a strange land. Aliens don't speak the native language, don't follow the customs and traditions, and don't fit in. Aliens are typically uncomfortable, awkward, and unsure of themselves in their new foreign homes. Disciples are aliens in this world. Many of the values found within our culture are foreign to disciples. Disciples don't naturally fit into a society that's largely out of touch with God. THey're uncofrtable-looking, and they feel out of place in that everyday world. Disciples of Christ find themselves continually at odds with the culture, because they have different values, different priorities, and a different language. Disciples feel odd and estranged in contemporary culture - and that's just how they ought to feel." (devotion., Mike Yaconelli, Day One)

1 Peter 2:9-12
"But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you-- 1from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted. Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives."

Today's Top 10
-Make a list of the top ten things that make you different from everyone else-
10) I am independent of others' opinions.
9) I take a genuine care of people's needs.
8) I consider myself to be sincere to everyone I speak with.
7) I love to joke around but understand that times, seriousness is needed.
6.) I think I am more accepting to differences in people than most.
5) I don't mind standing out in the crowd.
4) I tend to like awkward moments in life.
3) **Sadly...this is all I can come up with....**

Journal Entry:
- The more I Try to be like everyone else the more I build walls around myself. I need to tear down the walls. I need to celebrate who I am. I take today and I will...-

Today I heard a minister on the radio talking about how he wasn't saved until he was 18 years old. Until that point, he said that he had Multiple Personality Disorder. Around mothers and fathers; he was kind a courteous, around girls; he was suave and charismatic, and around the fellas; he was pompass and arrogant. He went on to say that he was a chameleon that everytime he was around different people, he felt forced to be a different personality so he could blend in. I could have stopped the car in the middle of the road. I've felt like that so many times and unfortunately, I still feel like that today. Around family, I'm A Personailty...around friends I'm B personality...and at church and home I'm C personality. Today, I will be MY Personality. No more pretending...or camoflouging who I am. God made me to be different and there should be no hiding it. I take today and I will be the personality that God gave me from here on out...

New Beginnings

2006-04-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

Over the past few days I have come to acknowledge much about the way I have let my life fall. One of those realizations seems to be completely and grossly apparent to myself; I am not happy. I am not happy with the way I have let myself become. I am not depressed or apathetic to this...I am simply stagnant. Stagnant in my relationships with others and most importantly, I have become stagnant in my relationship with Christ.

I worked a bit at the Carolina Cross Connection office today and in browsing through the little library I found a devotional book by Mike Yaconelli. I've heard a lot about him but as I browsed through this book it was though provoking. I continued to flip through it and as I read a bit more and more of each page, I made a decision. Change happens in two ways: 1) you allow things to change around you and choose to remain where you are at, in my case, out of satisfaction with yourself or 2) you can change them. Considering the fact that I'm not happy, I have chosen to change this pattern I've become accustomed to. So many times before I've made these empty promises to myself and to God. But this time, this time I feel a different motivation. These are not those empty words of change I promise so much but instead, I will turn them into a reality. I miss being absolutely ate up with the fire for Christ I had and I long to have it back. I long to yearn for more of his blessings, assurances, challenges, and tests. And more than longing for that, I long to return them.

Most of my life I have, I have been average. I do not go above and beyond the call unless I find it absolutely necessary for my being. For me, at this time, that is absolutely unacceptable when it comes to my relationship with Christ. There should be no average Christian, because Christ was no average man. So, I may do it here or in my own handwritten journal - but as I begin this new journey I want to share it because I feel it should be shared. So tonight, lets roll on to some new beginnings.

Slacker...squared

2006-04-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

I know...I'm a slacker. But there's good reason for it, I promise. The reason is, I haven't really been up to anything excitably new. Well, actually, that's wrong too. I'm still doing the work thing, and I still love my job. Lately, I've been helping with GET HOOKED events...and it's been absolutely awesome! Some amazing things have happened along the way with them - so check this part out:

I went to CCC years ago and met this girl named Cathy. She was so awesome and we had a blast that week. Our youth group got to be friends and I saw her every once in a while at high school band competitions but we never really got to hang out. Wellp, fast forward to my attendance at WCU. I met her once again, in the band. We got to hang out through college and I loved hanging out with her. Fast forward to me visiting CCC @ Elk Shoals '05. There's this staff member there name Melissa...I didn't really talk to her that much that night but the few moments I did get to speak with her, she was absolutely freakin' hilarious. Before I left that night, she asked me if I knew Cathy. My response was, "Yeah, I went to college with her." Turns out, that was her sister. And there goes the "it's a small world" feeling. Well, I left for home and didn't see her until we started this GET HOOKED deal. I've been able to spend some awesome quality time with Melissa, and I tell you, she is so awesome! There are few people that I come in contact with during my daily life that I consider genuine. She is certainly one of those few. We have absolutely laughed our butts off together, and I couldn't imagine my life without getting to know her...and as the summer and these events pass, I look forward to getting to know her even more and more...over Sonic slushies of course.

(I know that sounded like a 14 year old blonde girl ranting about her best friend of the week, but I'm trying to keep this semi-short if I can.)

I just wanted to write a bit about how awesome this chick is...cuz she deserves it. And to let her know that God has some awesome plans for her life!

I will have to write a little bit more tomorrow, I promise, since I got to see Greg at the Martina McBride concert and hang out for a bit with the Warren Brothers. An awesome time that deserves some awesome commentary!

Valentine's Day...is crap

2006-02-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

So, have I ever mentioned my distaste for Valentine's Day? Well, consider it done. I truly do loathe V-Day a.k.a. Single Awareness Day. And don't tell me that it's just because I don't have a Valentine. I never liked it when I did. It's too much pressure. Allow me to use the same arguments used by single men and women alike:

Why must we single out one day to be romantic to the person we're with?

...It bothers me, really it does. Perhaps, yes, I am just simply bitter and single but it still should be known. This whole day really is in the way of my own singleness self pity at the moment anyways. It's bad enough that I can't get the thought out of my head but do I really need a day to push me further into these thoughts? Much less those stupid Zales commercials. Geez...it's really just a Hallmark holiday anyways. I was discussing with another friend (that's single as well) how we find it interesting in the first few moments of meeting and talking with a guy we do "The Glance" c'mon, you know what I'm talking about. That's the one where you quickly look down to see if there's a ring and immediately if there is the conversation turns in a whole other direction. I find it pretty funny actually, sad..but funny. It's amazing how our mind works some times...

I don't know, I hate this whole month. Tomorrow would have been my mother's birthday and all that other stuff. This year will be 5 years and I've come to the conclusion that it will never be any better than this. I've never been able to let go of things easily...and that is one that will take a lifetime....I guess, I'm stereotypically afraid that if I let go, I'll forget and I don't want to forget...I'm scared to forget. I just want to find that place where I'm happy again and I've not found it. I pray so much but those prayers lack so much feeling these days. I use the excuse I Don't have time but really...that's all I've got these days. I don't know...let's just blame it on Valentines Day...stupid day...

Man, I hate being wrong...

2006-01-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

Alright, so here I am...world wide to admit that I was wrong. Over Christmas my cousin, Amanda, told me about that whole My Space thing. I silently thought she was crazy and it was just another one of those things. Yet, at the same time that's how I felt about this thing until I actually started to do it and of course, I was wrong. So in the wee hours of Saturday morning, I created My Space. I searched and searched through hundreds of pictures (Ok...not hundreds but alot) trying to find people from high school, college...friends, anyone I could think of ( I did have someone particular in mind and I actually found him!). I sent the little requests out and from most of them I got the e-mail replies...you know the ones the, "Hey, how are you doing? How's life?" (Caution: If your'e one of the people that sent these e-mails it has no bearing on the genuine feelings behind it, I so very much appreciate it and miss all of you and can't wait until the chance I get to see you again). But...those are the moments that I hate, those letters...because they put me in this awkward moment. I've never been good at small talk and that my friends, is small talk. I apparently missed that lesson in life of how to carry on those conversations and I guess that's why I loathe them so much. It's that paranoid, "Is this for real or just something that is done out of courtsey?". So I write the little, "I'm great, doing the work thing and I've settled back in my hometown" deal. I just....I hate/fear/love those things. Because I genuinely love the people I found on there...and it's weird to see how many folks still live around here yet I never see them...but I can travel half-way across the world and see folks that used to live right down the street from me when I visiting some little no-name Euro country. I certainly don't think it's done out of courtesy and I certainly don't think it lacks a genuine care. I dunno...just me thinkin' I guess.

Whatever the conclusion may be...it's still cool and I'll admit...I was wr...wr..wrong..

It never ceases to amaze me about this world.

Honest Policy Please; Mr. Grinch, Don't Laugh at My Tree

2005-12-18T13:40:00.000-05:00

So it's been what..? 3 months? Did ya miss me? I didn't think so. Well, I guess it's about that time that I finally sat down and did some kind of update to this thing and today just seemed like the day.

Last week my dad and I finally went to get a Christmas tree. I know, it's late but better late than never. Everyone I know and perhaps it's just the way it is these days...has stated that, "It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year." Normally, my dad and I have a great time picking out a tree but this year it felt so rushed, so...un-Christmasy. We went to the "usual" place and no one was there. So I got out of my truck and began to look when my dad pointed to Harold's door and asked what the sign said. I walked over and read the cardboard with permanet marker writing to find this written upon it, "Honesty Policy Please: Trees $15, slide money under the door." I was taken back...it dawned upon me that here we are in the ends of 2005, where so many tradgic, crazy, and inhumane things have taken place and yet...there I stood looking at a sign that was asking for the Honesty Policy to be used. I wondered where else in the world at that exact moment could someone feel comfortable enough to place that sign up. I couldn't think of any...but in an odd moment of comfort it was a simple cardboard reminder that there are those left in this world that have trust in strangers to do the right thing. It simply made me smile. Unfortunately, Harold didn't have any trees that we liked so my dad and I went over to Bud's to look at his.

All the lights were off but Bud came to the door as we looked around. Most of them were ok but I finally found one I liked. I told my dad we could get "this one". I opened the tail gate and Bud picked up, what I thought was the tree I was just looking at, and put it in the back. When I got home and stood it up, it was not the tree I had been looking at but the one beside it. Why didn't I like that one? Well, that's because there's about a 9" space where no limbs at all are growing. So here my tree has been sitting for about 3 days now and it's still not decorated...that's today's job.

I hope ya enjoyed it, and I hope I'll be back for a couple more updates. Merry Christmas.

Help

2005-09-19T21:04:00.000-04:00

So...I've been working on computers non-stop for the past two days...and everything seems to happen in a domino effect. My cuzin's computer stopped working yesterday and he had to re-format it and today...I just gave up fighting mine. So, I reformatted and I'm still trying to load up. For some stupid reason when I try to use the Windows Update it freezes on me. It's one of those times when I'd rather just take a sledge hammer to the thing and be done with it. But knowing my luck, that wouldn't even help.

Things have been a bit hectic lately. I keep getting in these situations where I say to myself, "Remember this so you can write about it later." But to no suprise, I get busy doing something else and the next thing I know it's the end of the week and I can't even remember what I told myself to remember. It's a viscous cycle actually. My house is getting crazier by the moment...so let's just give ya a quick run down about who lives in my house:

My dad: A work-aholic who sometimes tends to favor spending time with his girlfriend/fiancee than me and my brother. Sometimes I want to be so upset with him but I know he's so sensitive to my brother and I's feelings that I'm afraid if I do get upset and tell him honestly why that he'll be worse off...so, I walk around keeping those feelings away and pretending everything is happy go lucky.
My brother: A non-work aholic...well, he does work as a chef at a resteraunt but he refuses to pick up, clean up, or help with anything around the house if it has to be done before 1pm.
Ty: My brother's friend who got kicked out of his apartment and lives with us now. The original deal was that he would pay rent. Which, went unpaid for 6 months because my brother "forgot" to tell him that was the deal. You'd hardly know he lived here except he has to take up the whole driveway because he refuses to get his starter fixed in his car so he's had to roll it off for the past 3 months. Frustrating when you can't even park in your own drive way. Oh, and his girlfriend used to call the house at 4-5am in the morning.
Ryan: My brother's other friend who lives here. I don't know how we were conned into him coming. He's supposed to be helping around the house when needed but you can't help when you are continually absent. Or if he does work it's only for a couple of hours and he doesn't have a job. Supposedly he's looking but we haven't seen results. Oh yeah...he swears one time when he was in one of his disappearing acts that he was locked inside a house for 24 hours...buy that? (me neither)
Apollo: Ryan's dog...part lab/pit bull...I should have shot it when I had the chance.

Me: Hopefully, you know me by now and well enough to know that the characters listed about...drive me absolutely insane.

There are just times that I feel like running away. I can't wait till my money situation works out so that I can uproot and head out. I don't do well with personal space being invaded and this is a prime example. Ty says he's moving out sometime soon we just don't have a date yet. After this, no more. No more people...My family has always taken in those that need help and I'm finally truly seeing that it's not all it's cracked up to be...somehow we always end up coming up short. It's so frustrating to try and help someone and get the short end of the stick and I don't do well with those situations so after this...I can't stress this enough...NO MORE STRAY PEOPLE! Next time...I'll just get another dog.

Brothers Don't Shake Hands...Brothers Hug

2005-08-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

I thought it couldn't get any better than last year...Honestly, that was my first and mind-made-up thought. I should have known better. It was amazing...it wasn't better or worse...less powerful or more powerful...because you can not compare something that stands on its own and Carolina Cross Celebration '05, certainly stood on it's own.

I've been involved with CCC for many years as a camper...J. Staff and 2 years on Staff...but something this year touched me in a place that I don't think I've ever felt. I was in awe. I was invaded by a feeling of happiness, thankfulness and joyfulness that took me to a place I've never been. I remember at one point, while I was standing on a chair in the back, looking around during one of the songs and seeing hundreds of people singing and praising God. And I'll admit, a tear came to my eye. I felt God's presence like never before. He tugged at every bit of me within my heart and I couldn't win that battle. It was an amazing surreal experience that I'll never forget and strive to live for everyday. I felt a sense of renewal for so many things...and after all isn't that what God's love offers? A point where we can fall before him spiritually and physically and begin a new life. A life that is filled with love and wonderful fulfilled promises everyday.

I know that there was some tremendous headache planning that was involved and God Bless you CCC Admin. It was amazing and so powerful that it feels like these words are useless. But never the less, Thank You for all you've done...for the way you spread God's message and love...for the family of friends that you've created for me...and for the way you demonstrate God's amazing-undenying-indescribable love for everyone.

Even My Eyeballs Hurt

2005-06-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired that even my eyeballs hurt...I don't know if that is possible but I guess I'm right since that's the way it feels. So, I headed out last Wednsday to Cross Bridge to do some Field Training. I got a call at the last minute from Steve, Executive Director of CB, who needed a Field Trainer and it turned out I have a great boss who doesn't mind me leaving work at the drop of a moment. It's about a 5 hour drive but it was sooo worth it. I had a great time and got to see some fellow staffers from CCC.

They have a wonderful staff out there for this year and I had such an incredible, tiring, God-Filled, B-E-A-utiful time. My job was to intro the first year fields into what it's like...examples to included, conducting major groups, hanging out with campers, and my favorite: Building stuff with power tools. Our mission was to build a 5x10' porch with a 32' wheelchair ramp on the side. Thank God for the rising slope in the ground...it cut off about two feet and got us out of having to build a switchback. I got to see Steve and his wife Becky (she was on staff when I was going through so majorly rough ordeals) and that was amazing. I love them both to death and can't even begin to describe how lucky I am that they thought of me for such a wonderful thing.

I have to admit that I was so scared driving down there and I continued to ask myself if I was the right person...but all the doors were open and they were open for a reason. Looking back I think that reason was to give me a point to re-center and re-focus so many things in my life. I realized how far I'd been living from the life I want to lead and as always, the only person that can change is me and God. So, that's what I vow to do. It's not a promise or a "deal" but I've decided to call it a vow...well, mission would work too I guess. But mission makes it sound more challenging and I want it to be that so I guess that's what my mission is going to be. (I know...stop ending sentences in prepositions..but I can't help it.) I felt so peaceful and I realized that it's because I made time in my day to stop what I was doing and just pray and thank God for so many things. Now that I'm home I feel that old nagging feeling but this time, I am on a mission to not allow it to succomb me into weakness.

But alas for the great memories posted below:

In the first five minutes on the work site during training, I managed to hit myself in the eye with a hammer. Thank God for safety goggles. Guys, seriously, it was just a demonstration on why safety goggles are important...it wasn't an accident. Ok, just a small accident.

Secondly, Stephanie and I broke cardinal rules of exploring the wilderness as listed below:
We told no one where we were going (hey, that's what they get for kicking us out of staff worship just because we weren't technically staff). She had on shorts and flip flops...we had no flashlight...but we did use the buddy system, cuz she's my buddy. We went canoeing and learned that we weren't too good at landing the canoe back in...it took us like 15 minutes and we almost died three times consecutively.

Third...don't use a power saw in the rain even if everything is covered underneath a tarp. Warren, I'm glad you didn't die, cuz I love ya and would have missed ya.

Gotta love them camp memories, man I miss 'em...http://www.cbonline.org

2005-06-14T22:57:00.000-04:00

Why is it that through out the entire day my head is filled to the brim of things to write about...yet, when I get here, staring at the blinking cursor, it all seems to fade away.

I know I've missed quite alot lately and there's several things that I just wanted to throw my two cents in for...as if there isn't enough about Micheal Jackson in the news now. Well, my opinion on it: Good!. Do I think he's guilty? No. Do I think he's a very twisted/warped person? Yes. But only because of the abuse he endured as a child. To me he's nothing more than an abused boy trying to recapture what he lost and re-create what he wanted. But seriously, let it go Micheal.
Enough said bout that stuff now...on to my day.

I had training in Marion, NC about a new addition to the program we use at work. We got out early so I headed out to www.carolinacrossconnection.org Camp Loy White to visit the CCC Staff. A couple of my former staff-mates are there and I wanted to see how everything was going. I sat on the porch for a while in a bit of awkward silence and realized how much I love Carolina Cross Connection and how thankful I am to Dave and the BoD that they gave me a chance to serve on staff not once, but twice. CCC provided me with a family that I adore. The sarcasm, pranks, worship, tears and fears have made so much a part of my life now. I learned alot about myself during those summers and even more about our God. I remember a day that I was travelin' with my Lead Field from ES and she asked me what I was gonna do when I graduated college. My only response was, "I guess I got to get a real job." Not that CCC isn't a real job because believe me that the men and women who make the Admin, BoD, and Staff are incredibly deligent workers and humble servants of God. It is by far some of the most rewarding, long and tiring, stinky (I mean physically stinky...geez, we only got to take a shower maybe twice a week) work I've ever done. But I loved and love it still. Don't get me wrong, I love my job at the prison but doing that work...living that work, is wonderful. Funny, how I was about to type "Doing God's work" and yet had to remind myself that even still now and every day forth, my mission is to do God's Work. But how easy it is to forget that when surrounded by cement walls and metal for 8-10 hours a day.

I sat back and watched the staff of "L-Dub" (Loy White) do a program and felt an honest jealous feeling...I wished I could do it again, just once..."For ole times sake". But I know it wouldn't be the same. I guess in all today I just wanted to give a thank you...whether it's read or not read, it doesn't matter because it's still there. Thanks for the memories from then, and the memories to come. Carolina Cross Connection family, I love ya!

Blank Man..err, Woman

2005-04-09T20:04:00.000-04:00

Every time I think about this thing the Disturbed song "It's Been A While" goes floating through my head. I thought there for a while I'd keep track of all those random thoughts in a good old fashioned notebook. Like everything else...didn't werk. I should just go back to carrying around my little tape recorder and keep track of the lil ramblings but hey, that's also contraband at work.

I've hit this movie phase lately...and recently I just watched...http://www.eternalsunshine.com/"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Amazing movie...it's been a while since I Saw a movie that just completely drew my mind in and continued to make me second guess not only the movie but the very things going on around me. However...as many of the memorable lines Jim Carey had...this one "Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? "...sums up the entire fear of my life. I have developed a certain schedule...of everything that I do in my life. For instance, on Mondays, I always go to Brandon's house and watch wrestling...Tuesday's...I watch Nashville Star at home and eat Chicken Noodle soup...Wednsdays, I get whatever food I pick up - go home and flip through the channels and complain that there is absolutely nothing to watch between 500 channels. I remember the day I swore I'd never be predictable, that I'd always strive to be impulsive...somewhere between that day and now, it slipped through my fingers. Perhaps it's being surrounded by those that are "settling down" that seems to rub off...perhaps it's just what happens. I know that I'm not completely predictable but doesn't it always feel worse than it looks?

I've settled into this country-fried version of what was...it's not that I don't mind it, I've come to grips with myself on it...but somewhere and somehow I long for it to change. I don't want to be among those dinig dead folks...where everything is simple and plan and small talk is the deepset conversation two people will have because to be honest...I suck at small talk. I hate it...it's the most awkward language ever invented. Once again...like always, I don't know what the point is but I just know it's there...somewhere, hiding under the mix of words. But until then...I'll still be around.

Just play nice...

2005-02-15T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sick and tired of reading these types of articles. I can't think of another word to describe it other than just crap. Unfortunately, these stories are everywhere...we continually look for an escape of work day; be it venting about it to a friend on the phone, zoning out at the T.V., taking it out on other people, or writing about it in a diary or a blog. Yet, as always...we pay a price. Do people actually think that making a crack at your bossman or co-worker on the world wide web would actually be overlooked? Of course not! But I think it should. Society has already went through the "Postal" attitude with the disgruntled worker coming back after being fired and being strapped with his/her trusty-rusty mini-rocket launcher and now we've taken to raising "cain" (as my grandmother says) over folks getting fired because they choose to keep their diary in the open.

In most states, employees who don't have a contract are considered
"at-will," which means they can quit at any time and for any reason. Conversely,
employers have the right to fire them at any time and for any reason, except for
well-known exceptions like race, age or gender.
Ok, so I'll give ya that one...and granted it's a big one. That's where everyone goes and pulls out that dusty high-school history book and thumbs through the back looking for that fake copy of the Bill of Rights, where they then proceed to copy down the first amendment and wave it around using it as a shield. I can't blame 'em at all...I mean, I'd be in line right behind them but it's a shabby excuse. Yet then again, I hold the belief that what you do after work hours (provided it's not against the standing law) is your business, as long as you don't bring it to work the next day.

Happy Single Awareness Day

2005-02-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

I never have been a huge fan of Valentines Day...and I had a discussion this evening that does nothing but support my ideas. Talking with my cousin I came to this conclusion..aside from it's historical effects, Valentines Day is nothing more than another excuse for us to go out and buy all these cards, candies, and other knick-knacks that we'll forget where put them for a few moments of "ooo's" and "awww's" and wellp, I'm not so much an ooo -n- aww kinda person. Don't get me wrong here, yes...I can too fall prey to the candle light dinners and moments of romantic bliss but why do we have to devote it to one day? I mean, by now, everyone that has someone expects something. I know...what an all inclusive statement but hang with me here...If you have a significant other you almost expect them to come up with some kind of card, flower, or note on this day...but geez, why just on one day? I'd trade the other 364 days for that to happen at some random moment, to me...it'd be a bit more special than relating all the pivotal events in a relationship to happen on Valentine's Day. To be honest, all those "Guess what he/she did for me on Valentines Day" stories kinda make me sick. Why do we, as a society, feel the need to relate things to a holiday that we've completely exploited and hung out to dry so (here's where that flamin' liberal part of me comes hurling out) all those big companies can rake in their mid-season dough?

Call me bitter...go ahead, I'm a big girl and I can take it...but I've never set at ease with the idea of exploitation and I've certainly never set well with the idea of setting aside one day of the year to tell the person that you love...that ya love 'em. Simply because that's what ya should be doing every other day of the year.

Yet, I still sit here as a hypocrite because had I gotten the flowers, had I gotten the card, had I gotten a nice evening with the person I care about...I'dda been simply puddy...and because as far as I know I don't think I'll be getting those things then yes, I do believe it gives me all rights and privelages to rant and rave. Just call me insecure. As far as my personal relationship goes...I can't tell you much of what's going on...I did try to call but it would ring, I'm only assuming that someone was picking it up (I'm honestly not sure and I'd live to give the benifit of the doubt but that insecurity will continue to be there until eased) and hanging it up...I just simply do not know and that of all things will continue to frustrate me the most. There was some study done that said 47% of women today will be disappointed, wellp...here I am. At the risk of completely diving off the deep end and allowing all second guessing to consume me at the worst case scenario; I'm so tired of the hurting and I know it comes with the territory of being human but...I just want to know that for once what I have is real and not some joke or play time for another person. Maybe I'm being avoided or maybe it's by accident...but whichever it be, what a person can't deny that what hurts worse than knowing the outcome is going to be horrible...is simply not knowing the outcome at all. Maybe I'm simply going off the deep end as mentioned above but that's what happens when you think way too much as I have a tendency to do at times. Either way...I simply want to know and Happy Single Awareness Day to ya.

Over look the ramblings...

2005-02-09T19:29:00.000-05:00

You're gonna have to excuse me while I take this time to be completely depressed, emotional, and all that other non-sense I've come to try and shove away...but I need this, I don't know why or how...I just know that I do...

Four years ago on this very day, February 9th, I started my normal day at WCU. I got up, rushed into the shower, threw on my clothes, brushed my hair and got ready for class...except for a phone call that I made before running out the door. I called home and my mother picked up the phone. I told her "Happy Birthday..I love you and make sure you're ready to leave when I get there...I should get home about 5 in the evenin'...gotta go, I'm late for class." I hung up the phone and finished the day out. It felt like the longest drive home even though I was bookin' it to make it there on time. I remember running in the house, yelling "We gotta go...we gotta go now or we'll be late." My mom had no idea where we were heading...but I did. I'd planned this for a month since I'd heard about it on the radio. You'll have to understand that my mother was an Elvis fan and had been all her life. I remember listening to him growing up and I'm just as much a fan as she is, was, and always will be. So I'd heard about this Elvis impersonator, Rick Alviti, coming to Charlotte and he was supposed to be one of the best. In fact, he had his own show in Myrtle Beach, SC and everytime we took a vacation I begged to go but we just didn't have the money or time. But this time, we didn't have to go to him...he came to us, and I'd planned on taking my mother for her birthday. My godmother had told my mom she saw him and how awesome he was and my mother had been dying to see him ever since. Here's the catch...she hated Elvis impersonators. She'd seen a few, and even saw J.J...Elvis' cousin, who was an impersonator. She liked him...but didn't love him. But this guy...he was supposed to be good. So...off we went. I finally told her halfway there and she was so excited...she called my god mother to let her know what was happening. It was a great show, we had front row seats. I even got a scarf for her. Well, as usual, my mother picked out little details that just "weren't Elvis' sytle"...but when he sang "Love Me Tender" and "Can't Help Falling in Love"...it was like I was a kid all over again. My mother put her arm around me and I closed my eyes and listened as she sang along. When my brother and I were kids she used to rock us to sleep while singing those two songs. It was a feeling that I can never forget...for those moments, I didn't hear Aliviti on stage singing...I heard my mother's voice, I heard my mother's love. There I was, a 19 year old college student cuddling with my mother in the middle of a concert, but I didn't care...I never cared.

The concert ended all too soon and we got back in the car and headed home. My mother told me about experiences when she was overseas...about my dad...about life...about her. We stopped to eat at an IHOP and she told the waitress it was her birthday and that "My daughter took me to see Elvis #2." We talked some more over dinner, conversations that I honestly can't remember but I wish I could. I took the long way home just to spend a little more time in the car...we ended up arguing over the way I was taking but I think she finally figured out it was my suddle way of just wanting to be with her and her alone. Something told me that night it was going to be special...not just because we saw "Elvis" but because I finally felt like a grown daughter spending time with her mother. The drive home took a bit but when we got home, she leaned over and hugged me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that she loved me and that she'd just had the best birthday of her entire life. Those are the words I remember...those are the words I swear I'll never forget. I know the next two weeks of her life were so hard...but I rest in a great comfort knowing that I made her happy that one night...

Beam Me Up Scotty

2005-01-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

Any time I see someone that I haven't seen in a while or someone I see walking down the hall way...my statement is always, "How's it goin fella/lady?". I don't know why...it's just something that I do...it's a constant. I know it's a habit but when we're asked that blanket question, we respond with blanket answers like "Pretty good" or "Alright". I don't know what the point of this is but it just seemed like a random moment of realization today.

So it's tax time alright...eventually I will get mine done...Funny how we get all these plans around this time of the year...we think of all those things we want to buy and just didn't have the money for and then we scurry out to get them all at once. Just another american compulsion I guess...Sorry for this tonight, I know it's a pretty cynical and depression shpeal but that's pretty much the mood I'm in. I dread the beginning of February...with it comes everything that I'm scared of dealing with...and for some unknown reason it just feels as if it is getting worse. But it feels this way every year now doesn't it? But this time, maybe I mean it...I'm working, making my own money, and apartment shopping. I still can't shake that feeling of wanting to share it with someone and now that I have someone...whom I love and feel blessed to have in my life, I'm scared to share it with him because I feel like it will be too much too early in a relationship yet, I know I can't handle it alone...but I'll try, just like every other year. Eventually, when I'm hurting those I love I'll blow up and turn to beg for forgiveness...what a cycle, huh? I know it's coming and I wonder if I just don't want to change it or I'm scared to change. Maybe I'm scared if I begin to handle things differently, I'll forget everything...I'll forget her voice, her smell...her rants and raves.

Yesterday, while I was stuck in the house my dad and I cleaned out a closet. I pulled out a rubbermaid tub and wasn't sure what we'd packed in it...as I opened it up I could smell it. Automatically I closed my eyes and became motionless...I just breathed...I opened my eyes and saw it...It as all of my mother's night gowns that my aunts had packed up. I know that it must seem silly or weird but...that's a smell that I'll never forget...it was her smell...everyone has that scent that they love and can't get enough of, well...that's mine. I pulled out her favorite one and just sat there, looking at it...my fingertips just barely brushing over it. I always loved the way they felt...they're made out of that slick silky fabric...the night before she passed away...I've never admitted it to anyone till now but, I laid on her side of the bed with that gown in my arms just praying...praying that this hospital trip would be like any other and she'd be home real soon. In my car, in the tape player...is the audio recording from the funeral. I just can't seem to let go and the more time that passes...the more I hold on. I'm just scared...it's that feeling of being so scared to let go because you don't want to forget that you'd rather torment yourself over memories than try to carry on...I just want one more second...one more millisecond to tell her how sorry I am for all the things I did to upset her...but as much as I want that I get this feeling inside that tells me she knows...

I just can't go through this again...I hate February so much...someone just wake me when it's done with...

And Now, For Something Completely Different

2004-12-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

So...I've always figured those little fifty some questions survey's about people are a bit well, stupid but it's either the fact I'm completely bored out of my mind or I secretly enjoy them that I'm posting this one...

1. What's on your desktop: Picture of Camp Elk Shoals, from the worship area when it was snowing.
2. What book are you reading right now: An Essay On Crime and Punishment, by Cesare Beccaria
3. What's on your mouse pad: Western Carolina University...picture of the UC and the Belltower that I got when I went up for graduation.
4. Favorite board game: Monopoly. But only if I can play it with Brandon because we form a partnership...heh.
5. Favorite magazine: Sadly...it's a catalogue...Galls Catalogue.
6. Favorite smells: The smell of home...a fireplace...and the perfect Fall day (Yes, it does have a smell)
7. Least favorite smells: Burning plastic...
8. Worst feeling in the world: Helplessness
9. Favorite sounds: Jeff's voice...My mother's voice...
10. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning: "Oh God...not again."
11. How many rings before you answer the phone: 2-3
12. Favorite color: Blue..or Black.
13. Do you like your name: Yeah...but I hate nicknames. Ok I just hate it when people call me Becky
14. Who were you named after: I think it was my grandmother's mother.
15. Favorite food: Strawberries
16. Do you drive fast: Yeah...I have a lead foot
17. Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
18. Worst disaster you fear: Something happening to my dad or brother.
19. Storms, cool or scary: Awesomely humbling.
20. What was your first car: '90 Pontiac Grand Am...that Dana bottomed out on the steepest hill I know...and I ran over my best friend, but he's alright...just a lil brain damage and a broken windshield
21. If you could meet someone dead or alive, who would it be: My mom
22. What is your zodiac sign: Tarus
23. Favorite drink: Sundrop...Sweet Tea, yeah...gotta keep it in the South
24. Favorite vegetable: Hmm....yeah, in the good spirits of keepin' it southern...okra, corn, and green beans.
25. If you could have any job, what would it be: Supreme Court Justice
26. Hair, long or short: Doesn't really matter...
27. How many times have you been in love: Once...but then again there are times I question how we know if we're in love...so I dunno...
28. Is the glass half-empty or half-full: Depends on the day...most of the time it's both.
29. Do you type with your fingers over the right keys: Yawp.
30. Favorite movie: Clockwork Orange...Top Gun...Star Wars....any movie with Elvis
31. What's under your bed: My guitar and that silly monster.
32. Favorite number: 1:37...cuz in the movie Empire Records he was gonna tell her at "1:37 exactly Joe" and I made my cousin Devon call me all the time to tell me when it was 1:37.
33. Favorite sport to watch: Football andd Martial Arts Tournaments and definately Wrestling.
34. PC or Mac: PC.
35. What's on your nightstand: Hmm..my Bible..alarm clock...my nightstand kind of is my dresser so there is tons of stuff on it
36. How many pillows on your bed: 4
37. In case of fire, what will you remember to take with you: My dog Sidney
38. What/who do you admire: People who aren't afraid to make a change defend it...My mom and dad...Those that "pull themselves up by their bootstraps"...
39. What do you think is the best thing ever invented: Chocolate is great...and so is Carhart.
40. Most influential person: More of like an embodiment of folks...my family and definately foremost, Jesus.
41. Favorite places: Elk Shoals worship area...the beach...the mountains
42. Do you say your prayers: There are so many through out my day...
43. Minutes you spend in the shower: 30
44. Most prized possession: My mother's police badge...and picture of her and my hat
45. What's your best asset: Sense of humor
46. Jewelry you wear: Don't really wear any these days since I started working at the prison.
47. Coke or Pepsi: Coke
48. What did you have for breakfast: Rarely eat breakfast but if I do I love some eggs, grits and bacon.
49. Favorite time of the year: Fall...football and marching bands baby!
50. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be: Uhmm...Abu, the monkey from Aladdin
51. Favorite moment: The smile on someone's face when they realize Jesus loves them.

Blank

2004-12-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

Last night the annual CCC Christmas party took place. It's one of those things that I absolutely love going to and seeing everyone I worked with for so long and just catching up...but at the same time, I never know what to say. All in all...I had a great time with the exception of heading back over to Dave's house and all of us watching the Panther's game only to be let so far down...ah well, better luck next year guys.

When I left and was on the way home I was listening to my http://www.jeremycamp.com Jeremy Camp CD and I felt as if I was jerked from whatever or wherever I was at in my thoughts and just plummeted. I know lately I've been so distant from everything and everyone. I'm doing my best to avoid using the term Holiday Blues. Maybe that's what I've gotten lately but somehow I think it goes so much deeper, I just can't tell how far. Either way...there's a song on his Stay album called "Breaking My Fall"....for the first time I listened instead of just singing along...listening went to thinking and as much as I can recall..this is what I came up with...

Breaking My Fall - Jeremy Camp

So easily I fall, so easily you reach your hand out. So quickly will I drown, in all the pools of all my reason.

I make these promises to myself that I'll do better next time...and it never fails that I feel like a child learning how to walk, I continue to trip and fall but I'm continually picked up and placed on my feet. I know it's not me picking up those pieces...yet, I make another promise and fall again...I wish I could claim that I was being pushed down and it wasn't my fault but it is...it is my fault...

So easily will I fear, so easily will your peace surpass me So quickly will I trust, in anything I think is worthy.
I get so scared...of saying how I feel of trying to change things and running into the confrontation of standing my ground...I feel myself leaping from safety net to safety net just so that I don't have to deal with reality...I just want to run and hide and never be found...I want to laugh everything off my shoulders instead of standing face to face with whatever problem it is...yet, somewhere in the bottom of my heart and back of my mind I know it's useless...

How many times you make the waves calm down. So I won't be afraid now I say you're breaking my, breaking my fall...

I know that God is there...I do my best through out my day to pick a moment that I can say I saw God and I saw Jesus...I know that when I fall it is Him that catches me, I know this because it's one of the few truths that I feel I've been able to hold onto in so long...He's done everything...He's walked every step before I even thought of walking it so why am I so distant sometimes to just trust...?

What am I suppose to do? How precious are your thoughts, the way that you think about me.
I want to know where I go to just scream everything away...I keep looking for that opportunity to just break down and let it all go and everytime I believe I'm on that verge I catch myself...and in second thoughts and regrets I know that isn't fair. It's not fair because through out the entire course of events He still loves me...He still cares for me...He sheds every tear that I shed...He recognizes every fear I have...and forgives me each time I fall. I want somewhere to collapse and just say how sorry I am...how horrible I've been...
How faithful are your ways.. I always feel you grace abounding.

How quickly will I call? How quickly will you answer my cry? How carefully will you bring everything I need in my life? How many times you make the waves calm down...
We're always quicker to cry His name when we're in pain...and no matter how many times we've turned our backs before, He still answers...He still picks up us in his arms and tells us that He loves us. I don't know what's best for me in this world...I don't know what I need, but He does...It's like ths saying that God doesn't call the equipped...He equips the called.

So I won't be afraid now I say you're breaking my, breaking my fall... What am I suppose to do?

This narrow road I'm walking, This world will I try to draw. Your work will help me fight it, With you I'll face it all I say you're breaking my, breaking my fall What am I suppose to do?

The Grinch

2004-12-12T18:42:00.000-05:00

Three years later and I still get stuck in this mood around this time and it'll last until the end of February. I hate it though...I feel like when I walk into a room, I just want to slide back into the corner and disappear. I try to listen to Christmas music hoping some song is going to hit me and I'll get that spirit again but I can't which sends me into this frustration spiral. Today my dad and I put up the Christmas tree and decorated yet all I could think of was, it just isn't the same. However, there was a moment as I was putting things up that I turned around and closed my eyes....thinking about her and I could almost swear that for a second I could see her sitting there like she always did, in the chair getting out the decorations and handing them to me. Then, like everything else she was gone. I don't know if that feelings helps me get through it or if it makes it worse...and I just keep asking myself when is it going to stop...because it feels like I'm just torturing myself with the thought of it. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm alright and I say yes...in some fashion I guess it's become automatic. But the ones that know me the best should know better...and I can feel that at some point I'm going to snap with it. I saw a book when I was at the Gaffney Outlet Mall that said "God, Where Can I Go to Scream?"...that's what I want to know. But I know where to go, I can go to Him...but I can't shake this human nature that tells me I can handle it. I just want to scream that I'm not okay...I feel like I'm the one who gets the midnight phone calls about peoples crisis situations and questions and advice but where do I go for those same things...even the few times that I've tried to talk about it...I get shrugged off or someone changes the subject. Geez...for Heaven's sake my own best friend won't even listen to how my day at work is lately, how can I even begin to tell him about this? That bother's me too...I'm so scared that because of the job I do I'm just going to sink away into my own world and I try to share what goes on but it feels as if no one wants to listen. Some time's it hurts and it hurts so much. I don't want things to be the way they used to be...I yearn for it, I'm on my knees begging for it...I'm begging to be able to hear her voice just one more time and feel her touch just one more time...and I know I'm never going to be able to do that...that's what hurts the most. I guess right now, I just feel lost.

Not dead yet

2004-12-08T20:02:00.000-05:00

I remember a time that I couldn't go a day without posting here...and somehow the working world has turned it into four months, exactly. It's not that I didn't think about it but my normal rants and raves lately have all been work related and well, I don't think those things belong here because after all...I've read enough stories about folks losing their jobs over this thing and I don't want to be one. However, I can tell you this...

I work with 4 imports (a.k.a. Yankees). Now, know that I do consider myself an extremely accepting person of others...but what I've learned from working with them is that somewhere between the last time I realized and today, I've come to accept my "Souther-ness". I know that I can be a bit red on the neck, but it comes in handy...but I've also learned that I love where I live. I remember nothing more than just wanting to run away from this place and never look back. I remember how I would just dream of packing up and moving away and getting some great job and never coming home. They say that college is when you truly learn who and what you are because you are constantly challenged to define and defend what you know and learn what you can. I believe, in truth, I have accomplished this. I learned the value of home, real home, and what it's like to need the family and friends around you. I learned the value of what I was taught and the way I was raised, and though I see more of my mother's views and opinions in me more than I'd like to admit, I want them and believe in them. Back to the imports...these qualities seem to be pulled out of me while I work around them.

Lately, I've seemed to be listening to alot of Jerry Clower, for some reason it just seems natural after settling into and accepting this new found "identity". Besides, he's also hilarious. Well, I've definately got to get some work done around the house so I best be headin' on. Hopefully, I'll post back soon but hey...there's no garuntee's.

Living Proof of Murphy's Law

2004-08-15T21:15:00.000-04:00

Little did I know when I woke up this past Monday that through out the entire week I'd be living proof of Murphy's Law. Aside from my bout with the thermostat...a friend of mine has been in the hospital and I've spent many evenings up there this week. Last night as I was taking her mother home my car died. When I say died...that's what it did..died. No warning, no funny sounds...nothing. I stopped in the turn lane, put on the flashers and tried to crank her up again. Nothing. She turned over fine, no problem with the actual ignition or starter, or alternator...I check the plugs, they were fine. I sat there long enough for an officer to see us and stop. Now normally, this would be a great thing but just not tonight. Why you may ask...well, my inspection is out and my windows are definately illegal for this state. Not a good combination to have when an officer stops to just help out. As I called my dad and kept the officer and his partner talking I kinda made sure I kept the inspection ticket blocked. For the most part I did...until the tow truck man got there. Just as he was about to get in his truck the officer looked at him and went.."Well, while you have it in the shop just take care of this other problem too." And he pointed to the inspection sticker...politely, the tow truck man looked back and went "Wont pass, windows are to dark." I thought I could have fallen out in the middle of the road at that point.

So now, the ingition module, at least that's what we think it is...is going to cost about 200 dollars...uhm, yay! Not. I've been pretty relaxed about it actually and I think I've hit the point that I just really don't care anymore...either that or I'm just out of my mind. Or maybe it's that I felt so distant from everything lately...that notihng seems to bother me. It just feels as if the car is falling apart...I have a speaker out...another on the way...the transmission is starting to get fussy...I had to straight wire the fan to keep the car from overheating...I'd almost trade it in but ya know...I just don't have the money to deal with that right now. I just can't help but to wonder if this week is gonna get better...God, I hope so..

Take that Atkins

2004-08-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

My family reunion was today...so needless to say this day was anything but dull. See, I have a large family on both sides and today my father's side got together for some old fashioned food and fun. In that family it means the food is hot and the fun...well, that comes from how sharp your observational skills are and trying to figure out who is related to who. With about 75 of us, it's quite an interesting time.

My cousin Brook and I were sitting together eating and we realized that most everyone was finished and holding their hands up to their mouth, with their head tilted to the side and talking to their neighbor...this position included Brook and I. There was no question that all the conversations were trying to figure who and how we were all related...in fact, it's a tradition that at some point after the meal we go around in a big circle and introduce ourselves and our immediate relatives and tell what part of the family we belong to. It never fails to bring out the jokes. But there's always a mystery...and that mystery is a lady (a cousin of mine whose name I can't recall) who is well into her "older" years but she hasn't changed a bit and to all honesty, except her daughter, no one knows how old she is...her older sister is 93...and we know there were 7 of their brothers and sisters all except those two ladies have passed on..follow me here...we know the age of the youngest, and they were all three years apart...we just can't seem to figure out her age...to anyone else I guess it may seem a little bit ridiculous but...it sets me back and makes me realize how much I look forward to these things. My family is wonderful...loving, and all good cooks...(it's the German in us).

The second thing that my cousin and I realized is that there are four times in a year that it is absolutely acceptable to eat so much that you feel as if you must roll out of your seat...1) Christmas...2) Thanksgiving...3) Family Reunions and 4) simply reserved for when you wanna. So today after blowing any chance I had of staying on a diet...in fact, I think I broke it just by the thoughts of what I wanted to eat....I am absolutely sick on my stomach and loving every minute of it.

These next couple weeks start up some crazy times...Aside from today being family reunion day...Balls Creek Campground Camp Meetin' starts up. My family owns a "tent" down there, more like a shack but hey...they all look like shacks and we normally will spend a weekend down there to see what's going on and walk around for a bit as well as attend some services. And after that we have our Old Soldiers Reunion here in town. It's the oldest celebration for war veteran's in the US and well as rinky dink as it may sound...I have a great time at it..just lots of people eatin food that's bad for ya and walkin around socializin with some good music...woohoo

Will Work For Money

2004-08-03T18:05:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that I was actually able to go for so long without posting here...but I did and ya know what, I missed it. Hopefully, this will be the start of a new and lasting relationship for me and Mr. Blogger. Things really haven't changed much other than the job. I actualy am working and I love my job. Funny how when I first applied for it I had so much of a hesitation that I wouldn't come close to being able to fulfill the duties and I had no idea what the job was and now I realize that it's so much easier than I made it out to be. Well, that is an understatement but the job description in itself seemed a little bit over the top. It's actually two jobs in one which is where the frustration of not having enough time comes in but hey...doesn't that come with every job? On one side of it there is the Rehabilitation job...such as running activities for the Mental Health unit and at the same time we are Rehab folks we're also the case managers for the Mental Health folks...so yeah, there's lots of work to be done...especially since we just recieved all of them but it's a fun job.

I will admit that I was very much excited about getting that paycheck though...yeah, that made me smile....lots. Except for the fact I had to drive from the prison we've been training at to Taylorsville to pick up a "Notice of Deposit"...thought it was going to be a check and it added an extra hour of driving back and forth but hey, I got paid!

Carolina Cross Connection had their End of Summer Celebration this past Sunday evening. It was awesome. So many people gathered together to celebrate the work we were able to do in God's name. Just simply amazing if you ask me....and it was great to see so many familiar and unfamiliar faces and see how everyone's summer went. I missed it so much this summer and it was crazy but I'm glad everything went so well.

Wellp, I guess I'd better head off and get a bite to eat...take care and I promise to update alot more often now.

Can I Retire Yet?

2004-06-08T19:24:00.000-04:00

You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I couldn't help it...I had to take it. Faith has the coolest stuff in her profile :-) . Well, it's been an interesting little ride lately...I start my job at the prison. on the 28th of this month. I'm kind of nervous about it just knowing that this is it...every single minute of schooling has led me to this point. I can't help but to think of something we studied in Theories of Crime...in fact, it's all I've been thinking about since I got this job. See, Robert Merton has this theory called "Merton's Five Types of Adaptation" and it's soul purpose was being the explanation between cultural goals and how people try to achieve them. I know it kind of seems out of the water but it makes sense, trust me. Merton prett much said that society is pushed for success and the problem lies in the fact that not all members of society are able to achieve success and if they were unable to reach that goal then deviance wouldn't be far behind. He believed that it is the type of consistency or the opposite that will eventually lead to conformity or four different categories of deviance.

For instance the first category is conformist.
The conformist accepts the goals that society has impressed and they are able to find the means to reach these goals and will eventually obtain them.

The second is innovator.
The individual does accept and understand the goals in society but he or she may reject or simply not have the means to gain those gaols. But will find some way to achieve them...this is where most of today's criminals could be classified, according to Merton.

The third..Ritualist.
This person sees cultural goal and will begin to work with the means to obtain the goal and somewhere in the process gets lost and simply works to work...it's going through the motion without remembering why you began working in the first place.

There's two more categories but they would stray from my point...the last category, Ritualist, scares me. In class we talked about how most average folks in society are in this category and I don't want to be...I know why I'm doing what I'm doing...somewhere a difference can be made, I just don't want to wake up and forget that ten years down the road. Maybethe difference isn't going to be made in the inmates but maybe in myself, or a co-worker, or possibly an inmate. I've never been much of a ritualist, I'm not a crowd follower...and I'm not exactly a rebel..

The other wonderful news is that I'm going to be a camper at Crossbridge next week. Got a call from a friend on staff out there and was asked to come out and I happily accepted the invitation. The snag is that I have to find a vehicle capable of hauling passengers and tools...so I've been looking and so far only have two leads. One is with a local dealership and they are still trying to check their insurance policy and the other is with a rental agency of which I have to call back tomorrow..It's been kind of disheartening but I keep reminding myself that at least I've gotten the names of CCC and CB out there...and I've met alot of nice folks along the way. I just keep praying that everything will work out.

B E A Utiful

2004-05-25T00:36:00.000-04:00

Well...as always, I guess Brandon had Misty call me and ask me to come down to the house and I did...although I had a strong notion to tell her that if he wanted me down there that bad he could call. Sometimes, it honestly looks as if he takes every moment of having her to his advantage. But..I guess things are "back to normal" whatever normal was...

On the other hand, for the past two days I have done nothing but pull up carpet in my living room. My aunt gave us the carpet from her house months ago and we've finally gotten around to putting it in. I'm so sore that places I didn't know could hurt...hurt. It's almost done now...which makes the room look great. Except for the part about not having enough carpet and having to seam together some pieces which I understand isn't a pain in the butt exactly but it is somewhat a general pain...eitherway, it looks ok. However, since we just painted the walls this off white...the offwhite carpet makes the room look like a hospital room, at least to me. Unfortunately, the rest of the house looks like a mess...which I can't stand.

Things in general are going well...my other aunt who had surgery weeks ago is slowly getting better...and I should probably write a little bit about that tomorow because well I just need to...but for now, I think it's time to call it a day and pass out.

Countin' Flowers On The Wall

2004-05-20T20:46:00.000-04:00

As it stands now, I still haven't talked to Brandon. I did however see Misty yesterday and told her that honestly if he wanted to talk to me he could call me....I wasn't going to hang up or anything but I'm just tired of things always seeming as if they are my fault and I'm doubly tired of always being th eone who has to step up and apologize for all the things I didn't do. I know I'm stepping on unchartered ground and frankly, it scares the crap out of me but...I have to stand up for what I believe in and I believe that I am right on this matter. After all, he was the one who told me to leave...

Sad thing is, I miss him...terribly because I can't shake this lost feeling. But I guess time will tell on the situation huh?

Either way, I went to the prison today to get all the paperwork in order so that I could begin work. But they have to re-send all of my paperwork to Raliegh and hopefully will be able to start soon. Except,...I just a jury duty notice. If it's not one problem, it's another. And it's not that there is a problem with serving jury duty, because I don't mind it but it always seems to sneak up on me at the worst of times.

I have to go work at the house I'm going to potentially rent this weekend and see if I can't get some things taken care of too...

I also have to write graduation Thank - You's...

Oh yeah...and I have to do lumber donations for the CPC...

That's it...I can feel the stress rising, way to go..

These are a few things

2004-05-14T11:43:00.000-04:00

I hate...boy do I hate when someone shows up at my house to wake me up...for no good reason, after they've called every phone I own...grr...so I don't really hate...they annoy...majorily annoy
Brandon and Misty are lucky..

Marryin' 'em off

2004-05-12T22:43:00.000-04:00

I believe you may only be able to understand that title if your'e southern, ah well.

In the next month, two close friends of mine are getting married. Well, one is getting married and the other is holding a ceremony, since she's already married and well...just hasn't told the parents. But that's not the point...Amanda, my friend from here that moved to SC is getting married.

Amanda
Posted by Hello

and she's getting married to this guy, Josh...

Josh and Thackston
Posted by Hello

Josh is holding Thackston...Amanda's and his son. Who happens to be very much adorable and sweet.

Anway...I've known Amanda for quite a while..since about the middle of high school. A few months after I met Amanda, I met Jamie...

Jamie
Posted by Hello

We became kind of like the three musketeers..see below...

Duct taping Amanda
Posted by Hello

We've been through more things than I should mention on this page...but we've always came out on top. In fact, I can remember the day we helped her pack her things and move to SC and shortly afterwards, Jamie moved back to FL. I remember thinking about couple days after Jamie left of how I much I missed both of them...I remember the fears of losing touch and "things changing" and I remember not wanting to be faced with those problems. A few weeks ago Jamie (later she moved back to NC) and I went down to SC for Amanda's Bridal Shower and for a moment I felt out of place among her friends there...buth then I realized a few things. The first being, those fears I've faced and I've over came...distance provides a few challenges with communication and over time it's taught me to value the time I do get to spend on the phone with her or when we are able to visit and I love it because times do change. She is no where near the lil stick I used to know (well she still is a stick but that's not the point)...I mean that's she's grown, and so have I...sure it's fun to take a walk down memory lane but the joy of being able to talk and visit with her comes from being able to find out who she is now...because she's just as wonderful and fun to be around now as she was then. I've been able to see that she's a wonderful mother, to an adorable child...she's a wonderful soon-to-be-wife to Josh...and she always will remain an awesome friend. Simply because she's there and though distance seems to challenge any relationship I look back on it and believe that distance taught me a few things about relationships.

But now to think that she's getting married...Jamie will certainly tell you that when I first meet someone and take in that "first impression" I'll evaluate them from one end to another (certainly a downfall of mine). I can remember the first time I met Josh...and how quiet and shy he seemed to be..and he still remains pretty much a quiet guy..but I remember that I liked him. When I took a step back and simply observed the way he saw Amanda and interacted with her...I could tell that he wasn't going away, which wasn't a bad thing...from what I've always seen of him he's just as wonderful as she is and just so that I can use the word "wonderful" again...they are wonderful together. What's great about this situation is that they seem to be so happy together and I wish them all the best of luck that I could possibly pray for because they've began a wonderful life and have an awesome little boy together.

As for the feeling out of place stuff...it's not even a thought on my mind because it's changed from that into being honored in the fact that she still includes Jamie and myself in her life...I will continue to keep her in mine...Hmm..yeah, friends are awesome

Bad Blogger...well, not the website, but me the person...

2004-05-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

I've been quite neglectful of this ole faithful website so now that I've tinkered around and finally believe that I may have things the way I like them...I would change the template and I imagine it gets old looking at the same one but until someone is here to help me do it I don't really feel like brushing up on all the html I used to know to try and figure out how to adapt everything to the new template I like.

I'm just somehow surviving a very accomplishing and stressful weekend and I guess I owe you at least to tell you about it. Last Thursday my dad and I left to go up to Cullowhee...I wanted to get up there a bit early so that I would have time just to enjoy it and I had a blast. Friday was my birthday so I took some time for reflection and Brandon, Misty, Barbara, Jerry, and Sheryl all came up for a birthday suprise and I loved it. They'd been telling me all week that the only could go on Saturday and I wasn't going to admit but it killed me thinking that I was going to spend another birthday alone and no one to celebrate it with...but leave it to Brandon, he always finds a way. I guess it's reason one million and something that I keep him around. But I can't help to love him like a brother.

Saturday was graduation, talk about a day of emotions...at least for me. The ceremony itself took forever but I never knew that so many thoughts could race through a head in such a short walk across a stage. You know that they say when you are about to die your life flashes before you? Well, I think when you graduate college all your hopes, dreams, and fears do the same...But somewhere in the midst of that short walk, and maybe after shaking Bardo's hand did I realize I was missing something, rather, someone. For the rest of the ceremony I fought tears as I silently prayed to God that I wish my mother was able to see that. Wondering if she was able to see me do the one thing I've been talking about as long as I remember...which was graduating college with a degree in criminal justice. In my heart, I believe she did...and somewhere in my mind as everyone went outside for the rainy weather and the absent refreshments I imagined that she was there, watching high over this earth and that those rain drops falling were simply tears of joy and pride that she wanted me to see. I remember finally finding my dad in the large crowd and when I hugged him, and he returned the hug, I felt accomplished. In a telephone conversation with my cousin she told me how she remembered leaving my house and asking her mother if they could take me home because "Aunt Anne is so hard on Becca and she shouldn't be"...I can't stand to say whether that is fact or fiction because it was all I knew and know...but I can stand to say that now for whatever reason she may have been "so hard on me" that it doesn't matter, because I stand an accomplished college graduate. Now, I didn't graduate with honors or anything of that nature but I did graduate.

I can remember so many nights in what seems like years ago I used to lay in my bed simply praying that I could survive another day...that the next fight or the next "jump" wouldn't be the last that I would somehow manage to survive...and today I lie in my bed simply praying for God to show me the door to the career he wants me to have. Though I may not be very excited about the unknown...and scared to death, it remains in God's hands and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've had some job interview and I hope to post the information about them soon but we'll see.

I believe the only thing that bothers me about this graduation ordeal is the fact that it will take 4-6 weeks for my diploma to arrive in the mail...aside from that the purple graduation folder stands to be the most expensive empty folder I've ever bought.

Long Time Comin'

2004-04-19T23:53:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a while huh? I know ya missed me...Wellp, I've finished up that wonderful internship and it ended on an interesting note that I care not to really discuss but things are going well. Graduation is ::shiver:: less than a month away and I've just now started sending out the invitations, man it's harder than I thought. But tonight that's not what it is about...tonight is about the idea of friendship. Something minor happened tonight that reminded me even though I become so frustrated with Brandon and his ways that he's the bestest best friend I could ever have. We've gotten into playing this game called "Empire Earth". I wanted it after Misty bought it from him but as us gainfully unemployed folks do...I'm sitting low on the monetary funds right now. But tonight, he went to Best Buy and bought it after trying to track it down all day. Yes, it's a small thing but for some reason it reminded me that our friendship, though a small gift to each other, the best gift anyone could ask for...Now, I'm off to play Empire Earth.

2004-04-05T13:56:00.000-04:00

Bad day...bad, bad day...What can you do when someone goes off at the mouth about things that you told them, in the fullest confidentiality while they promised to keep it that way? There's not much you can do after the talking has been done, other than feel like a complete moron and/or idiot. The one thing that I know I can do now is just simply keep quiet about everything. Never tell a soul another word whether or not confidentiality is promised. But what hurts is that the person I had told was a role model...someone of which I thought I could trust with anything...Just gonna be one of them days now but to beat it all, people that I dearly care about and love with all my heart have no suffered over my stupid mistake. None of them are upset with me and they have given their forgiveness, or at least voiced it, but...I am still upset with me. It is a learning situation but I simply wished I could have learned this lesson a different way.

Pre-Graduation Stress Syndrome

2004-03-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

Don't ya love when work slows down? Well, most normal people do but I hate it...I can't stand to sit still. I'd like to be able to say it's because I'm just so self-motivated but, I don't feel like laughing that hard. I just hate to be at work and be sitting, with nothing to do...Nothing at all. I had to put together flyers and packets and I even contemplated just tossing them across the office so that putting together the packets would take me a while. Then I thought that wellp, that's just as dumb as falling for 52 Card Pick-Up, three times in a row.

Yes, I was part of the thousand of no-life T.V. watchers that awaited the show time for Wrestlemania and I enjoyed it. Can't help it, I love my wrestling...Most of all, I love my Rock and my Matt Hardy.

I gave a check up call to the places I had sent my application into today. I don't know if that was a good or bad idea. For a few moments after I got off the phone I felt a bit more settled and now...I think I'm worse than I was before the phone call. Now I know that they have my application and it's just a matter of time before I get a phone call from them or I don't. Shoot, I'd rather them just call me to tell me that I'm a "stupid moron with no qualifications to do anything other than flip burgers and you should have never applied to work in here the first place". At least that way I know I didn't get the job and why...

I think I've had a medical breakthrough or a psychology. I've named it "Pre-Graduation Stress Syndrome". And this is what happens:

1) First comes the fluttering and then sinking feeling that plays ping-pong between the heart and stomach. All produced by just merely entertaining the thought that the playful school days are over and you have to just brainstorm on how you are going to organize your materials to complete the graduation exercises.

2) Second, you begin hearing the distinct sound of a siren in your head telling you that your brain is going to go into severe meltdown if you don't stop thinking. This is caused by actually looking at job postings and their salaries. Also associated with making a mock list of address's that you must send out to those family and friends that will attend your graduation and realizing that you know way to many people and maybe you should just start being mean so half of them don't want to speak to you anymore and then it may not be that bad.

3) Thirdly, disturbed sleep and nightmares. This is a rare side effect of college graduation however, this may be due to the fact that you have seriously begun to consider some jobs and as you try to sleep at night you begin to wonder what's so different between the kid at the local resteraunt who has been waiting tables for 3 years after he just graduated from Graduate School and yourself...who is deciding to put off graduation for at least a few years. Then, you begin to see yourself as a waitress or full-time bagger at the local grocery store... talking to all the 16 y/o's about how collegeisreallywasteoftimeandthereisn'tagreatneedforcollegethesedays AND Theyshouldjustdropoutnowandsavetheirparentsalotofmoney. (ok...breeeeaatthhhee). Besides, you have to get the latest gossip from them along with directions to the party that night...

4) Temporary hallucinations and pyschosis. By this point you have actualy filled out job applications...mailed them off and are continuing to make check-up calls on their status. Graduation is nearly 2 months away and you are in panic-mode and wonder if everything is alright or is the whole world against you so that you can never gain employment?

5) Final Break/Melt down At this moment, you are wearing a black robe and walking across the stage of life as some stranger, the guy who everyone refers to as "Chancellor" on camps but you've never seen him in your life, hands you a diploma stating that you are now officially on your own and in debt due to the thousands of dollars in student loans you've had to accquire just to get this far.

6) Permanent Pyschosis You may or may not have a job at this point. But Graduation is over and you are in the real world. The reasoning for this phase being called "Permanent Pyschosis" is the notion that there is no such thing as the "Real World" (except for the T.V. Show). If there was a real world, we would all have to finish our entire meal before ordering dessert at our favorite resteraunt. In actuality, we can just go to our favorite resteraunt and order dessert and then the meal. No one cares. So now be prepared to spend the rest of your life trying to figure out what you're supposed to do with it. Hah! And you thought college was supposed to be the door that leads you into the future with mind and body in tact.

I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in...

2004-03-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

Lately...I don't know what's going on in my own head and I seem to just keep on running farther and farther away from all of it...I've got to stop but I don't know how. Maybe it's all this pre-graduation stress of finding a job, getting moved out and how to handle all these relationships that I've formed lately...and even that I'm not sure of. I sent out for three jobs...hopefully, one will at least come back. I know it sounds odd but getting all three jobs back would be a worst case scenario..Why? Because then I'd be forced to make a decision and God knows, I hate decisions. On top of the fact I've been thinking about my mother non-stop...and it all came to it's climax on Monday. I went to take some booklets to a local print shop to have them bound for my internship...and the owner, who knows my dad and I, decided to give me a piece of his mind...which, I'd gladly give back..it went like this:

(walked into his office and sat down)
Me: Hey Joe, here's the booklets for Angela

Joe: (sniffing the air) I smell smoke...you been smoking?

Me: Joe...you've known me all my life and you've known that I smoke for 4 years now...

Joe: You know that smoking is what killed your mother...it gave her lung cancer, that's what I think, I just think your dad didn't want to tell you the truth.

Me: (biting my tongue so hard it almost bled...set the booklets on his couch) I'll be back to pick these up this afternoon.

Me: (In an alternate world with no consequences where I didn't have to be so professional at my internship) Listen here you lil slimy "son of a biscuit" as usual, no one asked for your opinion and as usual you chose to give it without any regard for another person's feelings. My booklets and I are going somewhere else!

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day on the virge of tears. And of course Friday night, I found yet another way to tick Brandon off...Don't know what Idid, but it made him mad. I don't know what's been going through his mind lately but for the first time that I can remember the thought of "Losing him" crossed my mind. I don't know what I would do...who I would run to when I needed help and who would be there to laugh with me at all the stupid things...and geez, where would I go on Monday nights to watch wrestling. Everything is good now but...that moment of panic, that simple thought made me realize that no matter how well I believe I am doing...I still need him in my life. He's told Misty before that he felt like I just didn't need him anymore...at that moment I almost felt as if my heart was going to sink and I remember telling her that if he ever said that again to tell her he was completely jumping off the wrong side of the cliff and when he asked why, to tell him because that's what I said. I know that the easiest thing would be simply him and I sitting down and talking about it...but, it doesn't work that way with him or me....you just gotta trust me on this one.

I'm planning on going to see Passion on Friday night with Misty...and I've been praying that one, I can make through the movie without crying and two, that it hits me at the core of everything I believe in and since I"ve always been much more of a visual person, that it just...it wakes me up...that it helps me somehow trust and realize that everything, despite appearances, is going to be ok...

2004-02-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

Hmm...yes, another delayed blog.

I just finished pumping out my letter to the Jury Clerk. Yes, I am one of those sad citizens who don't keep up with that sort of thing and even worse off considering I'm a Criminal Justice major. However, I am going to reschedule. To top off the part about feeling bad with not wanting to do it right now...there was some episode on 7th Heaven about Lucy not wanting to do jury duty and then her fiance gave her this speech about how "Think about it as a car. If all the pistons are working right then the car runs smoothly, and if one of them isn't...well, then the car doesn't seem to run so smooth." Wellp, consider my car a banger at this point.

I almost got arrested today. Yup, that's right...arrested. I apparently walked into court at the wrong time and the Judge was going to have the balieff arrest me because they were waiting on some lady to come in and arrest her on appearance and instead...I walked in...all I could say as he was coming towards me with the handcuffs were "I'm just the GAL intern...I'm just the GAL intern, I swear." Heh, my advisor is going to love this week's journal entry.

So...I've been working on getting together job applications and all that good stuff today...and now I'm beginning to get nervous about it. I figure that I'm going to apply out the ying-yang and until I hear otherwise...I'll take the first one that contacts me back.

I don't quite understand my blurbs of info I keep putting on here...one day I'll think of something just to rant and rave about...Ahh, how I long for the good ole raving days of mine.

2004-02-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness Valentine's Day is over...I really dislike that day and besides, I call it Al Capone Day seeing as it's the day he was killed. So thing's have been a lil bit different lately. Jamie, my friend FL, left the jerk of a fiancee she's been with for two years. Now, I know I shouldn't be so harsh for him but while she was with him he wouldn't allow her to hardly do anything with anyone else but him. She lived like a child under his little rule. I think maybe...maybe, Brandon and I saw her a total of 7 times while she was with him...and hell, if it wasn't for us moving her up here to begin with she would have never met him. But since she's away from him now and living with her dad we've been hanging out for a while.

I've been on the ball game here with trying get my brother's Financial Aid filled out...his taxes done and finish my dad's taxes...and geez this crap is confusing. But I'm surviving with it and I haven't gone quite crazy yet. "Yet" is the operative word.

I guess I've been trying to avoid this thing....for some reason every time I try to sit down and write an entry I get thinking of all the situations going on in my head and I know that if I begin to write about them then I will have to in at least some way try to analyze them and come up with a solution....sometimes, things are better left untouched...so that's what I'm going to try and do for a bit. But the problem lies in the fact that if I leave all these problems untouched and unsolved then on top of them becomming worse, there's really not a point for me even have this thing. Hmm..I guess we'll see...

2004-02-04T22:12:00.000-05:00

I have been battling a horrendous toothace over the past week. How is it that we get sick from a cold yet manage to wade our way through the day and yet when we get a toothache it seems to just commpletely want to shut us down? I don't get it...what I do get though is that I've got to get something done about it.

So I've taken on a new task at my internship, I am the fundraising guru for the Child Protection Council. One of the girls I work with entertained me with the idea of doing a fundraiser by building a small children's playhouse and raffling it off but she wasn't sure about the donations for materials. Well well well...me and my big mouth told her that we solicited for donations at camp and I understood how those things worked...and I landed the job. So I took half the day off tomorrow to go around to lumber supply companies and beg for materials and money. Yay for me...you know how I do, gotta build that resumee.

Hmm...speaking of resumee and the fact that I seem to think of Western everytime I say that word lately, I actually miss being there. I have come to find that I have a newly developing fear and that is a fear of losing my education and the things I have learned. I am surrounded by what seems like people (not those at my internship or anyone else I come in contact with at the office) but folks that...just don't care about their life. My education has given me the ideals and ideas that I have now and I want more but this in turn means I must have more education, which will one day come but...for now, I'm scared that I may lose that drive to become better and smarter to help re-shape this world or at least my little section of it, into what it lost years ago. I am fearful of the day that I realize that my youthfulness may be foolish but without people like me who have that drive to change things...this world would just fall apart...and as long as I can I wish to remain that person who wants to see people treated fairly...at least, as fairly as we can judge them here on earth.

I don't know what has come over me this evening...but something has. Perhaps its this time of year, the time where I begin to slip...when I realize that next Monday would be my mother's birthday..and soon after that is her death day. To add to the fact that my father still hasn't paid my tuition and here I am, technically not a student at Western yet I still hope that everything will get worked out. I know he means well but...sometimes he acts like a 10 year old boy and forgets that he has responsibilities and it just irritates me..

2004-01-27T22:59:00.000-05:00

Yay for snow, yay for snow! I love snow...always have and always will...however the downside to it snowing here is we always get ice, always and that means things are closed and no one works. I've been staying down at Brandon's house since he's got 4-wheel drive and wellp, my lil speedy car just don't get along with all this snow and ice crap. It's been interesting and all but I have come to the conclusion that if I ever was offered to move in with him I just couldn't do it. He has more mood swings than any woman I know and if things just aren't perfectly his own way then he must huff and puff about it all day long. For instance, Misty and I wanted to head up to the mountains today...he did too...after he felt the need to fart around all morning long and it finally got time to actually go he had decided he didn't want to cuz if he did then he'd want to spend the night and blah blah wah wah. Needless to say, we all sat around bored out of our skull and he finally went to take a nap at 4 and didn't wake up till 9. Sometimes I wonder if because we are so alike if I act that way too...and I'm sure I do because Misty points it out to me every time but now more than ever since my full exposure to it...I don't want to be that way towards myself or anyone else.

I haven't worked in two days and I've got the, "I-don't-want-to-go-back-to-work" bug. I suppose I'm just going to have to get over it huh? Yup.

Well, I figured that I would post just a little bit before I head off to bed and start the wonderful day of work tomorrow...be safe if you're around my area and make it fun.

2004-01-22T20:52:00.000-05:00

Procrastination and Me...well, we're just good friends. My internship is still going strong and going awesome as planned. I might as well try an excuse for why I haven't written so here goes: I planned last weekend to catch this thing up and be real good on it and Larry came in town. So of course, most of the weekened was spent catching up and spending time with him. I love that he loves his job and I knew going into this relationship that I was going to have limited contact with him but even when he does come home I still feel that we dont even see each other. I know that for some reason he doesn't like being here because he hates sitting around when he could be out making money but I just wish he'd start using a little bit more of his hometime.

I was leaving my house today and the theatre right down the street is putting on the play, "A Wrinkle in Time". Now, I remember this book from somewhere along the lines of 7th grade. My teacher, Mrs. Deal, read us this book every single day after lunch and I hated it. It was so boring to me and for the life of me, I can't remember why. I do know that I hate people reading to me because it makes me fall asleep and I always fell asleep in her class when she started that thing. Hmm..maybe my falling asleep constantly had something to do with the fact that I don't even remember what it's about.

I'v been at this internship thing for about three weeks and I tell you that there are some things in this world that we aren't meant to understand and one of them is Child Abuse and the parents who commit it. Watching these parents day after day just kills me and leaves me wondering who in their right mind would purposefully hurt their own flesh and blood. Especially the mother, who even if she isn't the abuser, will be a bystandard and allow the husband to commit such horrible acts. I was raised in a manner that taught me if I was to have children that I should love them with every fiber of my body, raise them to be productive and creative minds, and most of all...be willing to travel to the depths of Hell to save them if need be. These parents who willingly give up their children and/or abuse their children in any fashion just...confuse and sadden me. I cannot even begin to fathom ever purposely abusing my child or anyone elses child for that matter. I understand the concept of when in a frustrating situation for a child it is easy to cross the line between tough discipline and abuse, but...to constantly do that is no excuse for anyone.

Some things are meant to be answered I guess.

2004-01-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

I guess it is about time that I update this thing, huh? Well consider it done. I started my internship on Monday and wow...I forgot what 6am looked like one a clock. Then I realized I didn't have any money to eat lunch on so I asked my dad for some, "lunch money". He sleepily looked at me and told me that I hadn't been up at 6 and asking for lunch money since high school and he believed I had started regressing.

As for the internship itself...it's awesome. I'm having a blast and soon I'll have to describe all the ins and outs. But take my word when I'm saying "I'm lovin' it" (kinda like the new McDonalds commercial).

I know this is stupid but it's Sat. night...10:30pm and I'm exhausted. I just started what I thought was gonna be a good post and I'm ending it in a horrible way. Good night.

A New Form Of Abstinence by Fisher-Price

2003-12-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

So Monday...was it Monday?..I think it was Monday I volunteered to go with Misty to get Cody and Savannah from Lincolnton. I normally volunteer for this type of thing if I have nothing else to do and I feel like going for a drive. We usually don't stay too long...just long enough to get the kids and head back to Newton. But this time, this time was different...Somehow I managed to get myself into hanging out there for a couple hours...Which isn't as bad as Brandon whines about it being (He doesn't whine really, just complains alot...same thing to me)...and putting together the left over Christmas toys. Mainly...there were two...a Charmer Bicycle and the training wheels as well as the Rescue Heroes Mission Select M.A.C.C.
by Fisher-Price .

So let's go see how I felt about the bike....:
Can they tighten the bolts a little bit tigher??And tell me why doesn't everyone in the world have at least one socket set?! People, if you don't have a socket set in your house go get one...! Go on, stop reading right now and go get one!! It is half-way impossible to un-screw the bolts on the back with only pliers. So finally Misty goes to get a crescent wrench and some WD-40 (lifesaver). Though the WD-40 wasn't used, it was there....finally after wrestling with the stupid bike and the most complicated training wheels ever created we get them on. By the way, if you haven't stopped in your local Wal-Mart or Target lately, please do....and when you get there walk straight to the Bicycle section (Don't get distracted by the toy section) and once you get to the Bike section take a look at the directions for training wheels these days....3...2...1..What the crap is that? It's some stupid little third grade drawing slapped on the back of the training wheel bag and it's only halfway understandable (well, at least to me) and maybe it was this particular set of training wheels but man, they suck. So after about an hour of wrestling with stronger-than-superman-bolts I got everything put together and now after looking at the picture, they're wrong....guess I gotta go back and fix them...

Now, let's see how I feel about the Rescue Heroes Mission thingy:

If you bought anyone this thing...I hope YOU had to put it together. I hate the words "Some Assembly Required"...Some assembly my butt...this thing took Misty and I at least 2 hours to put together. Hook this to that and this goes there. That's crap is what it is...When my parents bought my brother and I these toys my dad always had them put together by Christmas morning...now, I feel sorry for him and all the frustration he must have went through. I think learning Quantum Physics is easier than the Rescue Hero Control place...Stickers here, stickers there....I'll never buy my children these toys and if I do...I'll pay someone else to put them together. And why must Fisher-Price find it neccesary to to tell you that all the pieces go together and then once you have everything together...you must take half of it apart to put the batteries in. Now I understand why men don't follow directions...directions are crap. Tell me to put the batteries into the piece BEFORE I snap it into place because it is virtually impossible to take the piece off to put the batteries in.

I have found the ultimate form of abstinence...putting together children's toys...

2003-12-24T00:38:00.000-05:00

Where along the lines of my life did I lose the innocence of Christmas? I mean...I remember as if it was yesterday the restless feeling I got right after Thanksgiving and it didn't seem to end until Christmas night. It was a bursting energy that took over my entire body....simply, the spirit of Christmas. And now, I see it as some sort of "drag"....it always feels to be incomplete, not the same, boring, frustrating and most of all, depressing. It's not depressing to think about the birth of Jesus...no, that part is amazing to me and will always be just that but what I mean is the material part of Christmas. The gifts, and cards...trees and decorating....now it all just seems to be more trouble than it's worth. We still have no Christmas tree and no decorations up....but even if we did, I believe I would still feel the same way. I know that it all stems from the fact that Christmas is just not the same with out my mother. It seemed to be her bag...she knew what to do and when to do it and now, no one else is there to take her place.

I just keep wondering where all those feelings went. I look at everyone around me and hope that it will strike me soon but it seems to never hit. My dad keeps apologizing for the lack of Christmas and no offense to him but...I've heard it for two years, I can't take it anymore. I just wish he'd stop making promises about how things are going to get better..."Christmas is going to be better next year" when we all know, it's just going to be the same.

I went to a friend's recieving today...and how my heart dropped for his family. He left behind two small daughters, a son and another older daughter, and his wife. As I watched his children I just wanted to cry for them because I know that feeling, I know that loss. Not a day goes by that I don't remember it....especially lately. I don't know what I or my father would have done if something had happened to my mother when my brother and I were younger....maybe it would have been easier or maybe it would have been harder...I don't know...but what I do know is I miss her. More than ever at this exact moment.

I'm sorry for such a dis-combobulated post...(Like that word don't ya?) but it's just what's in my head at the moment. So off to bed I go in hopes of resting my lil weary head.

2003-12-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

So here's the deal and why it's been two weeks since I've touched this thing. I'm home now and don't have to worry about being stuck up in good ole Cullowhee. The downside to it is that Micheal, my brother's friend who took up residency at our house, moved out. Well, he didn't just move out....my brother asked him to leave and Micheal went ballistic....he tore my house apart, broke down the front door. When I say broke down I mean, completely tore the door frame away from the framing of the house to where the door was laying inside the house and there was a giant gaping rectangle opening to which you could clearly see outside. Did I mention he trashed the house? Well along with his pyschotic rage he took the cable modem. Which means, no internet connection at Becca's house. So see, it's not my fault. I actually miss this thing more than I thought I would. Well, "this thing" being the whole internet connection deal. So, I'm sitting at the county library typing away like some idiot. I wonder if any of the librarians know that technically, I'm banned from this library for life. Heh, ah well. Long story any ways.

I made out of Western with some pretty good grades I must say...all A's cept for one B and that was in my corrections class. So, I'm geared up to start working for 36 hours a week and no pay....gotta love interning. I do believe however, I have landed a part time job at a local Dollar General. Not to prestigous and far from what I was hoping to get but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

It's odd being home for this long of a time and knowing that I don't have to return to Western. I've found that the independence I have at Western is now kind of shot down and where I'm used to being able to take alone time for myself whenever I need it...here, if I try to do that I am bombarded with calls on my cell phone. Which in turn have made me more likely to cut it off whenever I feel like it. But another issue is that of constantly being around Brandon and Misty. I love them like family, I honestly do, but...sometimes, it's more than I can bare. Maybe it's just me and my views and I think it is because I haven't been around enough lately to really see what they are like 24/7 ( I hate that abbreviation but hey...) but sometimes they really climb my nerves. Which in turn gives me some guilt feeling for whatever changes that have taken place in my life that have made me really dislike spending days and days on end with them. I'll figure it out somehow....

There is more news that I would really really like to post but somehow sitting in a public library and partially spilling my heart and mind just doesn't seem...."do-able" for lack of a better term. Soooo....if I don't get things fixed with the modem at the house I'll find somewhere else to do it...

2003-12-04T14:10:00.000-05:00

Somewhere, deep down inside of me, I regret not blogging on here like a mad woman. I mean, this is going to be my last week at Western and I've just kind of let it slip by. However, I have learned that it is possible to pump out a twenty-two page paper in 4 days....it just requires a bit of determination and lack of much sleep. But let's just see if I can do a bit of catchin' up.....

It snowed last night here and I couldn't help but to watch it fall by the light outside my window. (this is what it looks like today : Web Cam) I love snow and I always have, most of all I love the snow cream I make. Part of me wished I could be home and watch it snow but then again if I was I would miss out on the beautiful mountain ranges being covered. I also couldn't help but to remember my freshman year when it snowed for the first time. I remember being asleep in bed and all of the sudden heard my roomate Emily scream, "Becca!! Get up! It snowed!!". I jumped out of bed and we both looked out of the window marveling at how gorgeous it was. I also remember walking to class that morning...I thought I was going to freeze and die at the same time while I slipped halfway down the hill because the accumulation of ice. Somehow that morning I had come across Hot Pockets, you know...those little squares that warm up when you shake 'em..mostly hunters or marching band members use em'..anyway, I had stuck those down in my boots against my better judgement and the directions on the packet. By the time I got to class my feet were so hot and on fire I took my boots off and dug through my three pairs of socks to get them out. Now when it snows..I wear a jacket, maybe a beanie, but never worry about my feet like that. Then there was the time it snowed and I made snow cream...ahh, that was great. I was the only person on the hall that knew how to make it and the only person that actually knew what it was. By the end of that winter my entire hall was hooked on it.

I can't help but to think of all the people and things I'm going to miss from here but at the same time...I really can't wait till I'm able to get home. It's not like I'm never going to be here again but...I can't believe I've finally reached the point I've been striving for my whole life. Sometimes it's a bit over whelming and other times it's a sigh of relief...but I'd better run so I can finish up the last small bit of editing to my paper.

2003-11-23T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, my little test didn't work...had it worked you'd see a picture of Hunter. Ah well...This is going to be short and it's purpose was to inform you that blogging is going to be very light over the next few weeks, hah..as if you hadn't figured that out by now. But, due to the end of the semester stresses and such and my now not having a computer at home....there's not much I can do about it. But keep leavin them good ole Tags cuz honest, I do check 'em......

2003-11-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

2003-11-12T18:43:00.000-05:00

I have an excuse, honest. Last week I dealt with a monitor blowing up and being out of the use of a computer for a bit and for the remainder of this week...well, maybe it's just a procrastination to not deal with certain issues.

This past weekend I heard the news that my brother was deciding to drop out of college as well as the fact that he's went from originally being registered in 6 classes, he decided to fail those and only finish 2 of them. I confronted him about it and got this long philosophical reasoning that boils down to "I don't like school...I'm going to quit no matter what happens and I'll be homeless if I have to...nothing matters as long as I'm happy." I didn't know how to take it and I battled it as best I could...I called my dad to tell him and he hadn't heard anything about it. I thought for a moment about calling Aunt Cissy so I did...I got her answering machine and hung up. As I sat down for lunch, a knock came at the door. It was Aunt Cissy and Stephanie. I asked them why we earned the visit and the response was, "We heard your brother is doing drugs." My wonderful sarcastic self responded with.."Well hell, that's better than him telling me he's dropping out of school...at least we could send him to rehab for that!". So...I filled them in and WWIII started in my kitchen approximately 12pm. My dad ended up calling back and I did the best I could to stay out of the way and eat my lunch. Brandon called and ended up coming over and keeping me company for most of it. After the ashes had settled...I realized that for once in my life, I'm on the right track. It's not me that "la familia" is countering and telling me how to do this and that....It's not me that's making a mistake that is life altering. For once, I'm the good one. I think it's the first time in my life that I felt any bit normal and in a way that irks me but for completely different reasonings.

In the process of their exit Cissy and Stephanie gave Brandon and I a mission....clean up the front yard. We were off....if it was in the way it either got chainsawed, cut down, dragged out, or burnt. We tore that yard apart...even dropping the cedar tree my dad and mom planted. This news I didn't know until today...and after hearing, I feel some kind of remorse...as if some chapter of my life is closed. I don't know when it was planted...I don't really remember, but I'm sure it was something that was done when we first moved in. Either way, that tree is gone. The tree that my mother and father planted, together...is gone. Maybe I'm the only one that gets this little insight. Lately, I've realized that so many things my mother and father did together are done and over with...and that chapter is closed. Maybe that tree stood for something, and every day it may have reminded my dad of that...maybe it reminded him of my mother, I know that now when I think of it...that tree reminds me of her. Before we cut it down I remember looking at it thinking how huge it was and how much of a pain it was going to be to conquer it. When it came crashing down at the tug of my rope, it landed softly and wasn't nearly as big as it looked. In a way, that was the essence of my mother. She had this presence of a strong and independent woman...one who could teach lessons and enforce discipline at the drop of a dime. Yet, at the tug of my rope...committing a mistake...calling for advice she seemed to always understand and provided a constant empathetic ear for whatever troubles I had. Just like that tree, my mother is gone and all that is left are pictures, memories, and stories. Now that I think about it...there's something else they have in common...the roots of that tree and the roots that my mother instilled in me will always remain..

I talked to Stephanie today and she told me that things with John Micheal are straightening themselves out slowly but surely. I'm glad she's on top of him because that's what he needs. Next on her agenda is for us as a family…Dad, JM, and me to sit down and have a talk. My heart skips a beat just thinking about it. There are so many things I want to say but I wonder if I will be able to get them out…I hear time after time from my father that things are going to change and yet they never do…He spends, what feels like, every single free moment with Suzy at Suzy’s…He wants my brother to be responsible and accountable for himself but how is my brother supposed to do that when my dad himself seems to be so irresponsible lately. Then here I am…stuck, in the middle of it all…I try to clean up all the mess in between and I’m getting so tired of it. I know it isn’t my problem but it’s my family and my family has always been my problem. I keep thinking that once upon a time we had a family that stuck together and kept a clean house…a place we could be proud of and now there is no cohesiveness…no one will pick up after themselves and if they do it’s because I’ve crawled up one side and down the other. I want to give up on everything but now that Stephanie and Cissy are involved, I have to hang in there…if it doesn’t get better after this then well…I guess I’ll find somewhere else to be…

2003-10-29T05:08:00.000-05:00

Take a special note at what time this is posted...and understand that I am not up this late or early on purpose. Nope...but I 'm up because of the second fire drill we've had in the past two nights....that makes two middle of the night fire drills to interrupt my sleeping patterns...and it's not getting better. It doesn't help that I have trouble going to sleep after being awake for three hours already and the fact I have a 10 am class. So now that I've officially frozen myself in two....we got back in after 2 and a half hours of waiting for me to find that my door was locked. I turned the handle re-assuring myself that I wasn't going to go bolistic...but Iknew that I hadn't locked my door when I left...Conclusion = someone else locked it. Now I understand the vulnerabilities that come with not locking my door and I am willing to take those risks under the circumstances. Wanna make matters worse? It ends up being the second time in four years that I didn't take my keys with me. I pay for housing and in turn, I am allotted a room for the semester. This room is to be shared by my ghost roomate and I under certain agreements that we adhere to. None of them state that we must lock our door in during a fire drill. Besides, considering the fact that it was a real fire my only thinking is to get out of this building as fast as possible....forget the stupid door. What this all boils down to is the fact that whoever locked my door cost me another 45 minutes on top of the 2 and a half hours that I've waited to re-enter my building and that means.....they are surely on my S List. Goodnight. I'm going to bed. Again. I hate fire drills. And, tomorrow I will begin a countdown till December.

2003-10-27T21:41:00.000-05:00

Before I even get into this random note I'm gonna leave, just remember...I am anything but a Britney Spears fan...so here we go..

Seen her new video lately? I couldn't resist as it popped up on the AOL Welcome screen (yes, I still use AOL occasionally and I like it!) There's a section of the video that makes me wonder if the director watched a little bit too much Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Speaking of TCM, if I hear "do you know if they ever solved the TCM case?" one more time...I'm going to scream. I saw the remake this weekend and although I found it to be semi-faithful to it's predecessor I knew the stories behind them both. Is it only me or does adding "Based on a true story" seem to just capture our little hearts in a flutter? It almost goes to show how we'll take Hollywood's word on what really happened and that some folks in this world would rather be spoonfed a semi-true story than take the own initiative to get to the bottom of the pile. So in hopes that I don't have to hear that question again....Take heed of this, TCM, Pyscho, and Silence of the Lamb (along with other movies) were all loosely based upon the storie of Ed Gein (if you're not satisfied with that...check this one out...Ed Gein).

On a completely different note...I believe that my godson is the cutest of them all. Brandon is certainly a changed man and he seemed he couldn't put Hunter down to save his life. It's a wonderful thing but my only concern is his pattern of believing that he knows everything about everything is going to capture him and this is definately not going to be helpful when it comes to dealing with another human being. After expressing this concern to Misty she quickly calmed me by telling me for the first time she's seen that he asks questions because he wants to learn...which is a good thing. I must admit, watching him handle Hunter is certainly nerve racking because I know that Brandon has never been around a new born child...though he has a genuine interest in children and loves them he just hasn't had the experience of actually caring for one. In fact, I think he got a bit frustrated when my nervousness truly shined as he tried to swaddle Hunter in a blanket and I kept watching him almost "toss" him around like a football...it just made me nervous is all. He also has this compulsion that he must show him off to everyone we know...a proud father he is indeed but when you go to someone's house that you know you have had no contact with for months just to show off your new born baby, I find it kind of odd. I did my best to stay balanced and not become overwhelmed with everything going on but I am fascinated by new born children. I love to watch them sleep..make their faces and hear their little cries...there is something about the innocence of a child that makes me smile. They are completely helpless...it's ironic though if you think about it long enough...our loved ones are brought into this world as completely helpless, depending on others for everything and many years later some of will leave this world the same way...completely helpless and depending upon others. What an act of love we share when we choose to devote such time to those people new and old. Quite amazing...

I got the "Go ahead" that nothing should come up when graduation arises...I am on the straight and narrow and I feel like I'm on cloud nine. Although my internship didn't work out where I wanted it to be, none the less I'll get to be in Catawba County and right now that's what counts. We'll see how that one works out...

Well, I've done my part for today and it's time to wrap it all up as I close out my day watchin' some good ole wrestling!

2003-10-16T21:18:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been quite succesful at procrastinating. I've had this idea that I'll sit down and type up all my Corrections and Theory notes but it hasn't happened yet. I thought that I would also start working on my Independent Study paper..nope, that hasn't happened either. Instead, you know what I've done? Watched T.V. and played on my computer. That's been the extent of my exciting week in Cullowhee. Well...that and catching the re-runs of Will and Grace. Today in Weight Training everyone was talking about "Game 7"...blah. I am anything but a baseball fan. I love basketball and football...racing and rugby...aside from some other sports, that's about it. Baseball to me, is just not all that interesting. I'm sure I may catch some flack for that but ah well.

I talked to Larry last night but most of the talks revolved around Brandon and Misty and what they'd been up to lately. Not much has really changed with them except for her due date being closer and closer...this coming Saturday. Unfortunately, Brandon hasn't found a job but then again he really hasn't had much time to and I don't think it's really hit him about the importance of finding a "real job". He makes good money delivering pizzas, I'll give him that, but...you can't support a family by it the way he wants to. I don't even think that he's really sat down to think about how his life is about to change but then again he's good at hiding those type of things. I don't know...it's times like these that I can see the huge difference between Brandon and I. For instance...I don't believe that it is appropriate number one to go hang out in a strip club...let alone, take my fiancee with me and make an evening from it. Yes, I've had my share of foul language in my day and still I struggle with taming it but I don't believe that taking the Lord's name in vain every five words is alright either. In fact, I cringe every time he does it and then have the innate response of wanting to smack him upside the head.

Though things have change over the past couple years between Brandon and I...it's not either of our faults...it's the growing up we've been through. It's the growing up that we are going to continue to do and the fact that everything in our lives is constantly changing and shaping it's route for the rest of our lives. Then it gets me to thinking about when I graduate and stepping out into the work force. There isn't going to be any more hanging out until 4 in the morning because I'll have to be at work by 9am and he's got a family that he'll be responsible for. Wow...I don't think I've ever sat down to think about it like that. I wonder how many people that I knew years ago that could ever imagine me in some 9 to 5 job. I mean...I can't even imagine myself in that kinda job.

Well, now that I've officially scared the crap out of myself and made myself completely nervous about my entire future I think I'm going to retire to yet some more T.V. Besides, I got a long day tomorrow....yay for the Big Daddy Weave concert tomorrow night!!

2003-10-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

I found this post to be absolutely amazing...sometimes we look at this world and see it's reality that it is huge and yet at the same time the spider web of connections we possess make it seem so small...One Bloogle of Separation

2003-10-06T00:14:00.000-04:00

This is kind of an old thing I found hiding on my computer but it was written by my minister at home and in a way...I guess it's a cheap way of getting out of "really" posting news but I find this to be, well...quite inspiring for me...

Dan Martin: This Minister Was Born To Be Wild

I am too healthy. I am taking too good care of my body. I am eating bean sprouts, oatmeal, homegrown tomatoes, free range fed chicken breasts, drinking bottled water, and flossing with parsley. I don’t cuss too badly and pretty much only think bad words. I don’t do drugs, alcohol makes me “sleepy”, tobacco makes me “sick”, pork sausage makes me “dizzy”, and excitement makes me “flustered” (you can interchange the previous four adjectives without any loss of clarity in the story). I only eat hot dogs when I am near PBs Restaurant in Winston-Salem, I have sworn off sugared fizzy drinks, and my cholesterol numbers are admirable. I sleep “real good” at night, exercise quite regularly, and besides my hair falling out feel pretty good.

I have become the most boring person you have ever seen. The way I act you would think I was from Ohio or some other docile “flat line” state. I am a milk and cookie boy. I live a quiet existence and avoid excitement. I don’t even watch reruns of “The Lawrence Welk Show” since it bothers me when he says “a one and a two and a”. He never gets to three. This causes anguish to my gentle constitution.

I used to be a radical, excitement happy, a real rabble rouser. I used to do dangerous things just because they were dangerous. I used to love taking risks just so people would shake their heads. I rode bikes off ten meter platforms at Crystal Lake, tried turning a garden hose into an underwater breathing tube (only to discover my lungs could not fight off the pressure of the water at 10 feet whereupon I almost drowned before I could struggle to the surface) from a canoe at John Pennekamp Corral Reef at Key Largo, and I won the singles “Buck-Buck Championship” of Forsyth County (withstanding Keith Wilson’s extra bony derriere and Jim Clines lubberly girth).

But now I am subdued, low-toned, genial, faint, and gently constituted. I live by the rule, straight laced, and ordinary.

I have been thinking about becoming bad, again. I have thought about breaking out into a raucous frenzy at any minute…but then I become soothed again in my delicacy and calm down…letting the fleeting moment of passion pass without reality. What is a gentle soul to do?

I want to be bad but I am boring. I want to be a radical but I am tired of the unorganized energy it requires. I want to act out but I don’t want to go to the trouble. I want to do some bad things, on the edge, but I am afraid of what people will think and say. So what is a faithful, responsible, moral, decent person who wants to live on the edge to do?

I will tell you what we should do. We should become radical, bad, courageous, risk takers for the ministry of Jesus Christ. That is what we should do. We should throw in the towel and proclaim our intent to take risks for Jesus, stepping out just like we were brave and fool hearty. We should look at problems in our communities and then “act out” with a solution just like we were young and care free. We should forgive people whether they deserve it or not acting like we were sneaking around without our parents’ permission. We should love the unloving with the full knowledge people are going to talk about us for doing it. We should even question authorities, stand up for causes, act out of synch with society when it is wrong, and take on any person or official who gets in our way.

I can hear “Born to Be Wild” in the back of my brain. I feel like I want to take a risk. I believe I will do things without thinking what it looks like or what people will think. And when someone tells me I should not be so bold I can feel myself ready to just blurt out the great radical and raucous equalizing word of faith by saying, “So…?”!

What is an old rebellious Christian to do? We should act out our faith just like it both made a difference and that we only had this one life to live. We are to boldly go where others will not go, and do what no one else would do. Christians are born to be wild.

2003-10-02T00:13:00.000-04:00

So technically I don't have the time to be posting this but do you see it stopping me? I don't. After all, college students are professional procrastinators. I love it...sometimes. I apologize for my horrible neglect to the site but you see my stress-o-meter has been off the hook for the past couple of days. Here's why...

I have two of Duane Davis' classes...Corrections and Theory, we have a test in each class this week. Corrections was on Wed. and Theory is on Friday. I have studied non-stop for the past week and my brain is fried. Davis' tests present me with a problem however, and that is my lack of ability to fully concentrate on fill in the blank testing questions. However, the fact that I have filled out at least 200 hundred note cards for each test has proven to help me a bit. Anyone want to buy used note cards? I will admit that Davis is one heck of a teacher and I've never learned more than I do in his class. I apparently am one of the few that enjoy thinking on my feet and critical thinking. If you do and you go to Western Carolina...find a Davis class and I urge you to take it. You won't be sorry. Then, you can buy my notecards..shoot, I'll give 'em to ya!

Second stress factor..SACJA. I am now the President and my stress level I feel is a-risin'. I want to be able to do so many things for the club and make it enjoyable and our turn out this year has been amazingly huge...but balancing everything is another problem . Let the good times begin I guess

Those, believe it or not, have been most of my stressings. On top of the fact that my "disappearing" roomate walked in the other day and just took the T.V. I didn't ask her why or where but notice that it was going to be taken would have been nice. I could have brought my own up here to nope...the other one just vanished. Ah well...I've survived without it so far but I must admit to missing my late night viewing of the Golden Girls and The Nanny...I mean, *sniffle* it's how I fall asleep. I can't help but to want to either laugh or kick myself for missing a T.V. so much. I can't help but wonder where in my life did I get so attatched to one...The complications of technology and this Lay-z-boy era we live in. As I leave on such a abrupt note...here's a quote I found in Froggy's sub-profile...

"There's an art to flying. Or, rather, a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground, and miss." -Douglas Adams

2003-09-21T23:47:00.000-04:00

Protector

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Yes...boredom plays a part in these things that I do at the wee hours of the evening...

Is It May Yet?

2003-09-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

Eventually in life our eyes are opened to the fact that our parents are not the superbeings we thought they were and instead we begin to see them as real people who have flaws and that are just trying to get by in this world. I don't know when it happened or how but I simply know that it happened. One day I woke up and saw my father for the man that he is and was. In the midst of his battle with CMT Syndrome I have watched him struggle against something no one knew he had...I have watched him fight to regain control of his life and mobility that this syndrome has taken from him. Yet, I find myself only watching...knowing that I can only do what I can do...this battle is his. I almost have that parenting feeling when a child is going through so much pain and yet his/her parents can do nothing but watch...because it is out of their hands. My dad fell the weekend before last and it left him with severly scraped knees and arms...and I saw the aftermath. Another note...My father has worked in the funeral business for well over thirty years..."worked himself to death" as I called it growing up...I hardly ever saw him because he was working so hard to provide the life my brother and I had...sure, fights were created over it but the bottom line was he loved and still does love his job. He is a valued treasure to that funeral home and everyone knows it...but this is the first time in 21 years my father has ever told me his fear of losing his job because he is now only able to perform half of the duties. I just find myself asking why reality has to hit so hard...What test is this in my life and how do I get through this one?

Chris and I have been thrown to the Co-Presidency of SACJA and all I can do is pray we get everything in order and on the right track so that when graduation does come the department can have a group of students that actually give a dern...and the only reason I mention this is that it adds to my current stress/lack of sleep level...

I know I've been absent for a bit but between my computer problems (and hopefully that is solved) and SACJA and our current mess in the CJ Dept...it seems to buy my time and then when I finally do get a chance to sit down and write, my mind goes blank...Geez, I can't wait to get outta here...