Books and Boops

I judge books by their covers. Against all practical advice I got in this life, it's the truth. Forget the in depth philosophical meaning of this phrase and apply simply to shopping for new reading material...I judge books by their covers.

After church this mourning I went to Barnes and Noble. I've started the Disciple Bible Study Class at my church and after much thought decided that I wanted to buy a new Bible. Oh yeah...and the fact that I am the dork that enjoys the maps in the Bible for historical purposes and mine doesn't have any.

So...there I was, walking into Barnes and Noble and overcome by that wonderful smell of fresh books. I had already planned on going to the Famiy Christian Bookstore but they didn't open till 12...and I was at B&N about 10:30 and had some time to kill so I just started walking and browsing.

It was then that I watched some little kid walk by, musta been about 11 or 12...and I hear him say, "Boop"....moments later I hear, "Boop Boop". Apparently, there is a new language only spoken at Barnes and Noble...I'm not fluent. What I assume was this kid's brother met him in the aisle in front of where I was standing and they started talking about the books he had picked up. Then I heard it again, "Boop"...this voice was lower, like an actual adult...both the boys then said, "Boop Boop"...and over walks what I am only to assume was their dad. I just kind of shook my head and kept going...making a mental note to study up on the latest "Boop" language...unfortunately, Google returned no such results...

Anyways...I kept browsing through and taking out my phone to make little notes of all the books I plan to buy over time through Amazon. Hey, I may have been in Barnes and Nobles but I recognize high prices when I see 'em...I dont need some crisply fresh book to make me feel better about it...I'll take my slightly used Amazon.com books anyday. Same thing and if I'm lucky maybe someone smarter than me made some notes in the sides that might provoke a couple of new thoughts..I'm always a fan of someone else doin' the work...

Eventually, I made my way over to the Bibles and what not...keeping in mind the recommendation of the NRSV translated version...there were only a couple and not very friendly to my eyes. By the way...what sense does it make for someone to have a bible with .4 font that doesn't include a magnifying glass?? Man...I saw some print so small that would have probably made God's eyes hurt. While I was judging books by their covers, yes...even judging the Bible by its cover...I came across several that I liked...the format and such...even one that came with free stickers and a map. I was sold on it until I saw that it didn't have any maps...I like maps, and after all...preacher lady said the maps would help and I figure, she knows what she's talking about.

It took forever and though I found one I liked...I still felt the need to move on to the Family Christian Bookstore considering...well, if I wanted a Bible...they should have a plethera.

So, on to FCB. They were having a Bible sale and I sure hope after scowering the prices on some of the stuff it's a permanent sale. I understand and hold true that the knowledge and wisdom we learn from the book that we spend our entire lives trying to live by and in example of is priceless. But, is it neccesary to price it so flippin' high?? I felt just as lost and overwhelmed for what I was looking for and wanted as I did in B&N. I grabbed a couple, sat down in a chair and started thumbing through them...trying to get a feel and trying to figure out which one I liked over the next....2 hours later...I think I had finally settled on it. The Holman Student Bible is what I ended up buying. I liked the layout...some of the features...and the fact there were a lot of visuals of the places that are spoken about in the Bible. The trouble with all this is that I realized with my wonderful gift of ADHD, I have a hard time concentrating on anything...so I wonder how all this is gonna work out....But, after 3 hours...countless thumbing through different bibles...and praying that I could find one that would suit me and what I need it for...I am happy and I'm done.

Broken Windows and Forgotten Helmets

It's funny how God manages to weave His breath and His spirit through our everyday lives and sometimes we don't even realize it till you're driving home and have to urge to turn off the radio to just think a while.
It's exactly what I realized on a drive home yesterday. It's just like the Psalms say that there is no where I can run or no where that I can hide to hide from His presence. So hang on for a little while as I stumble through this and maybe you'll be able to see his needle marks easier than I did...

Last Thursday, I got a phone call from a friend who was working with a youth ministry that I used to work for....and she told me that she had met someone who had a story similar to mine and that she thought it might somehow be beneficial for this person to talk to me or me talk to them...I listened more and more intent on the story I was being told about this new person...(let's call 'em Jill; coincidentally, my GPS is named Jill..) So, there I was being told about Jill's story and the more I was told, the more frozen I became because this person telling me doesn't really know my background, or at least I didn't think so...

I made a promise that I would leave work early the next day and go to camp and do whatever it is that I could for Jill..I didn't sleep that night, well at least not much. I tossed and I turned and each time waking up began praying for God to give me some kind of words or some kind of something to tell Jill that might help...or to let me know if what I needed to do is just listen...but for Him just to tell me something because I was clueless.

I get to the camp, some things out of the way happen and I finally get to the actual camp itself. Based upon the description I had been given the night before and the conversation I had during the day, Jill was fairly easy to spot. "So there she is...say something profound, life changing, fix this..." is exactly what went through my head...so I did...I didn't say or do anything. I, in my own fashion, avoided having to look face to face at a situation that was so mirror like to mine that it petrified me...so I headed inside the camp to find my Bible and just find something to read...something to make comfort in my head and to settle my heart...

I read and read and had buried myself solemn until is broken by a simple, 'What's up, you Becca?'...I answered 'yeah', a five exchanged and onto separate ways...I spent the next couple hours trying to get comfortable in my own skin, stop the roller coaster that is my head and talking to a couple other folks and sharing my story with them.
Evenin' came and it was time for the campfire...campfire passed and it was time...time to say something...that something 'profound' that I felt like I had to say...with the kick of a foot, I scooted over and said the first thing in my head..."Fear is a funny thing...it can stop us in our tracks or it can cause us to push harder than we've ever pushed before.." The funny thing is, I didn't say that for Jill's benefit...I said it for mine...because I was scared.
I somehow fumbled through a conversation, I couldn't even tell you what I said now because I don't remember and I have no idea if it made any sense or helped the situation.

The truth was, Jill had her mind made up and the conviction to do what she had to do was there...I almost felt useless...but I retained that this person, sitting before me that caused me to look into a mirror of myself without having an actual mirror present, I could not let go nor allow her to feel as if she is alone in her situation. Maybe, that was the entire purpose...maybe, I shouldn't have said anything but, "You're not alone...and won't ever be alone." Because if two people feel alone...they aren't really alone, right? And once you expound on loneliness and bring it into the light, it's impossible for loneliness to stay...for, you've broken it's entire existence.

I went home that night...and prayed. I made Jill promise me that when it came to facing her situation that as soon as it was done, she would call me to at least let me know she was alright. She told me that she or someone else would let me know. I consider being given some one's word..a bond/promise. Jill kept that promise.

The night in question was one of the most gut wrenching nights I've had in a while...I sent more text messages, prayed more prayers...recalled more laden memories that I wished I could forget...until I got the phone call. The person was the same, but the voice was different. There was a tone, a radiance that was more prominent than ever...a new life has begun.
Relieved and finally calm again...Jill and I talked for a quite a while...the more we talked, the more I began to see our likeness. The more nights and days we talked, that mirror like image became louder and louder until it gave way to a "Pick one of the two" games across the internet and I scarily say that there were only a handful of differences.
I got the pleasure of spending the day with Jill yesterday and had a blast...through all the shit talkin'...broken windows because of a sensor in my truck and leaving her to smell like smoke...I had one of the best days I've had in a while.
Now...what does all of the above mean? I told you all that just so I could tell you this...
I've been wandering around my life for the past couple months trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing...why have I gone through the things I've gone through and why do I feel plagued by the things in my head...why do I feel so absolutely alone...what purpose is there to it?
Maybe, the purpose was, in God's fashion, to remind someone else, similar to myself...We are not alone in our life...God is there...God's got this life of ours in his hands and it's ok...stop being so scared and not to let fear keep us from the things we want most...
Hell, maybe I'm completely off base and wrong...I've been wrong before...but regardless of being wrong or right...through the breath that God has woven through two previously unconnected lives...they are now connected in His love...and His plan...and to quote Casablanca..., "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.."

And by the way...why is it that I can write all day long about the thoughts, feelings going on internally but when it comes to just telling "Jill" a simple 'thank you' for helping me or bringing to the forefront of my mind that we are not alone in this life and that I finally feel as if I've figured out the reasons for why I've been through the things I've been through and even if it was only to make one person see that they are not alone in the things that life puts us through...why is the verbalization of that thought so hard? Who knows...maybe I'll try workin' on that next..

It's About Time...

Maybe I'll just start trying to accomplish writing once a year...hah! At least I still have some bit of humor left.

A lot has changed for me since I last wrote...I bought a house...I applied for two jobs and got neither...Oh, and realized that the first big change...may have potentially ruined what small bit of sanity I was clinging too.

For several years past, I lived with my father who is a man I love and adore. However, since my mother passed things at home got increasingly worse for me. I continued to feel this enormous pressure to just take on everything...housework, helping pay bills, making sure all the t's were crossed and the i's were dotted...and I learned you can only do that for so long.

I prayed and prayed for God to show me a way out...to help me to become more independent and begin my own life instead of trying to take care of everyone else's lives. Finally, it happened. I started searching for houses and found one that I love. I followed the normal process and within a month I was proud to say that I was 25 years old and a homeowner.

My job continues to have its frustrations...sometimes I feel like it is more than I can take but somehow God manages to pull me through for another day; knowing that what I'm doing there is making some kind of difference in the lives I encounter.

Recently, with rise of prices on everything...things have become increasingly more difficult. I can't say I didn't expect it but I didn't expect it to be like this. I am blessed to have much more than most in this world and I have learned the value of what I have due to the things I have started to let go in order to just 'make it'. I know that everyone has their struggles and mine is no where near as important as others but to me, they are my livelyhood.

Today, my heat pump stopped working. It actually stopped working yesterday but today I know for sure that it is broke. I have no idea what's wrong...and it's something that I know nothing about and am too afraid to try and fix it. I've called a friend of my dad's to help but I have no money to pay him..Somehow last month I forgot to pay two bills...so they are doubled for this month and yet again, the money is lacking and in all actuality, is non-existant to pay them.

Each month I begin thinking that this month will be better than the last and yet, each month becomes worse than the previous. Add to this the re-occuring depression I've battled with most of my life and things begin to seem hopeless. Yet, I know and I trust that God will bring me through this too...however; I'm struggling to find him.

With what little pride I have left, the wall is broken...I'm scared of losing...I'm scared of not being able to survive and I'm scared that this time...the smallest things will turn into mountains that will close me off from the one thing that continues to pull me through all of this. Those folks that know me should know that I'm not one for admitting that I'm scared...but I can't ignore the obvious.

For the most part, I believe it's faked only because I fake it for me...but instead, today...I just had to get it out...I had to get it out of my head for a moment in hopes that I may feel better yet somehow...I don't.

I wish that card was true for me.

Mistakes are made...and the price is paid...

I'm not a person who likes or gets any pleasure out of intentionally hurting another person...sometimes, we make mistakes...and those mistakes cause us a great loss. Sometimes, we swear we'll never make the mistake again and when faced with situation again, we rely on old habits....and those habits...they only end up hurting others...and that; that's what kills me. I can withstand the backlash of pain I cause...but knowing that others were hurt in the wreckage...that's a hard feeling to live with day by day. I can hope and I can pray that it gets easier...but I'm not sure that it will.

Despite what temporment I display, I consider myself quite a passive person...I'm not a fighter, but I can be when pushed...I don't blow my top easily out of anger, but when I do...watch out; and I don't like hurting other people...but often times I do...

I wish the words, "I'm sorry" meant what they used to....growing up every time I told my dad I was sorry for something, hell, anything for that matter, he would always look at me and tell me, "No you're not." then turn and go back to doing whatever he was doing. It used to absotlutely infuriate me when he did that...because I was sorry...later on in life he finally explained his method to me...that people say they're sorry all the time for everything...and the word's "I'm sorry" should be reserved for something you'll never do again because you learned the lesson the first time and don't feel a need to repeat it. I said that I was sorry....and those words I meant because I'll never repeat the mistake again...

There are so many things that I fight on a daily basis in my head....so many demons in my mind that some days I feel like I'm just going to get swallowed up in this black hole of a world. I feel as if there is no light at the end of this tunnel...in my heart, I know different...in my heart, I feel the light...but my head tells me that objects in my heart are farther away than they appear.

I always heard people say that their "heart hurts"...and I always wished I could be more sentimental and more heartfelt about life...well, my wish was granted...because my heart hurts...my heart breaks at the very idea that choices I made and things said hurt someone so close...and I'm sorry.

The Wreckage Song

One broken bottle

One broken man

Drenched in a bourbon perfume

Just rocking away

In my dady's chair

Paying the devil his dues

Feel Like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Too withered and worn to weather the storm

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

I'm goin down with the wreckage

Ashes to Ashes

That's what they say I'm torn between body and soul

Just killing myself

One drink at a time

Trouble is all that I know

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Father I pray I'll see heaven one day

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Well they call me a sinner

I reckon I am

But I don't know any other way

And I've been to Jesus time and time again

Lord I just can't keep the devil at bay

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

And I can't believe he bled a river for me

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Feel like i'm goin down with the wreckage

One broken bottle

One broken man

Drenched in a bourbon perfume

Just rocking away

In my dady's chair

Paying the devil his dues

Feel Like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Too withered and worn to weather the storm

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

I'm goin down with the wreckage

Ashes to Ashes

That's what they say I'm torn between body and soul

Just killing myself

One drink at a time

Trouble is all that I know

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

Father I pray I'll see heaven one day

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Well they call me a sinner I reckon I am

But I don't know any other way

And I've been to Jesus time and time again

Lord I just can't keep the devil at bay

Feel like I'm goin down with the wreckage

Trapped in this ol' flesh-n-bone

And I can't believe he bled a river for me

Lord don't let me go down with the wreckage

Oh don't let me go down with the wreckage

Feel like i'm goin down with the wreckage

Postsecret

A few weeks ago a friend introduced me to the Postsecret website. Ever since then I guess you could say that I've become quite addicted to checking it every Sunday, since that's when it's updated.

Some of them make me think...some of them make me a lil sad...and some make me laugh...kinda like this one...

Stolen..

I stole this from one of the groups I belong to on "the myspace"...and how true it is...

My experience as a Correctional Officer Every so often I get an e-mail from some one asking:"I'm interested in becoming a Correctional Officer, can you tell me from your experience, is the job worth it?"

WOW, how do I answer this? Do I tell you the facts about the profession and scare you away from the get go?

§ That during our careers, the average officer will be assaulted at least four times. "In 2005 I passed the national average when I was assaulted twice within a 5 day period."
§ The stress of our jobs is so great that, on the average, we will not see our 59th birthdays. "We take the job because of the great retirement plan, and yet we may not live long enough to enjoy it."
§ More than 33,000 of our co-workers were assaulted by inmates last year alone. "One of the toughest things I ever had to do was to call home, while on the way to the emergency room to tell my family that I was OK, but had been assaulted by an inmate. No one was home except my younger daughter, and it broke my heart hearing her cry, as I reassured her I was ok."
§ Where we work, the AID/HIV rate is three times higher than the general population.
§ Toxic cocktails comprised of urine, feces, blood, vomit, mucus and semen routinely are thrown at us. "It got so bad in New jersey at one point, that they had to implement a law making this a aggravated assault charge."
§ Every year, we at­tend memorial services honoring the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice while doing a job few would dare to do. "Yet, to many we are guards, screws, hacks or turn-keys."Or do I tell them how you change as a person?
§ After working there long enough, most of if not all your friends are correctional officers. Your old friends don't understand you the way a CO does.
§ When you go out for a beer after shift you say "No shop talk, but you know that is all you will be talking about is work. Yet when your loved ones ask you about work you have very little to say.
§ When you eat a a restaurant or go into a bar, you always have to sit with your back to the wall. As you have a conversation with your wife or girlfriend your eyes are always racing back and forth, scanning to see whats going on around you.
§ As much as you try and leave work and home separate, there are times that invisible line gets crossed. Other hazards of the job:§ Inmate are not always our biggest headaches, many times is the administration.
§ We (Correction Officers) are sometimes our own biggest enemy.
§ Be prepared to work your next 10 to 13 Christmas, and New Years. Forget about a 9 to 5, and weekend off.
§ The first few times you'll love all the overtime, but eventually you'll dread it.With all this in mind I've been a Correctional Officer for 19 years almost half of my life, and have no plans on leaving until I retire at 25 years of service. My job is a love hate thing. It all depends on what kind of a day I've had. Yet I cannot imagine doing any other job, and many of the officers are like my extended family. A disfunctional family, but family still. I would endanger my life for them and they would do the same for me. I hope this answers your question.

Patience is a what?

Over the past two months I've been slammed with one hard hit after another...to the point that I'm on my knees begging for mercy. In all of this storm that has become my life I have also lost patience with almost everything. The problem with that is as usual...I seem to take it out on other people. I know the pyschology behind it...I don't need someone else to tell me how to fix it because right now...I don't have the desire. I deal with it by simply trying to avoid others until I eventually normalize out...the second problem is I always run into stressful situations where I do and say things that...well, I mean them, but I don't...I'm not sure how to explain it but "it works in my head." Ah well...crap happens and it seems to happen more often to me now than ever.

I'm still house hunting and it's becomming more stressful than I never thought it could be...I just want a house that is min ...I'm tired of cleaning up after everyone in my house...dealing with problems that are not mine. My brother totaled his car after 0.19% alcohol in his blood stream helped him decide to play chicken with a telephone pole. Thank God he is ok...the car and telephone pole....not so much. So now...we're..(and by "we" my dad and I) are trying to get in touch with lawyers and such....I talked to my aunt and cousin about it (and by talk I mean ranted and raved)...my conclusion is that...this is not my family to be responsible for...and it's a hard conclusion. Because I know as soon as I stop and let go...I'll have to watch it fall apart. I don't believe that my dad will be able to keep it together...it wasn't ever his forte growing up. I believe that if and when I find a house, I'm sure he'll move out of this one in order to sell it and move in with his fiance and soon afterwards; go ahead and marry her. Which is a situation I know is coming but I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with it either...in fact, I'm sure I won't be able to deal with it...but that's another story for another time.

I just hope and pray...that after all of this it will work out. That the reason everytime I get close to a house it falls through is that there is something better in store for me...and I hope I can keep up my end of the bargain...I haven't done a good job of taking some JAM time lately...and I can feel the difference ....and I don't like it. I just have remind myself that God's got this...and even though I don't see it because it's not working out like I want it to...doesn't mean that His plan is failing me....it never has before and one thing that I do whole heartedly trust, is that it never will...despite what I see and feel some times.